Howler's Modern English Usage

Competitors were asked for six original schoolboy howlers on topics of current interest.

SURELY verisimilitude is a touchstone here; to seem authentic a howler should appear to be one that an actual schoolboy would perpetrate. On this account some examples, humorous and ingenious as they were,ohad to be ruled out, e.g., 'Our Prime Minister is Mr. Macmurdo who is sometimes known as the old woman of Threadbare Street' and 'Scotsmen get to the top everywhere, for instance a very canny clergyman like John Knox called Macarios ordered Enosis to purge Greek turkeys of foot-and-mouth disease.'

Among the more than 400 examples some duplication was to be expected. Thus, Nehru was confused with Nero, deterrent with detergent, the Suez Canal became the Sewage Canal, Summit Talks take place on Mount Everest or on the top of the South Pole, and so on.

As in the case of actual howlers, so here, the simplest and silliest, due to a confusion of ideas, were often among the best. Thus :

Space used to surround the planets but is getting nearer the earth now.

Space is what there is when there isn't anything. Outer space is nothing wrapped round space. Hard water is ice; to soften it you must warm it. A sputnik is a kind of Russian dog that goes 'bleep.' Uranium is one of the things the world revolves

round.

The Sound Barrier happens when TV comes over on vision only and not speech.

A Life Peer is a Lord whose son can't be honour- able.

Some people want the Public Schools abolished because they don't want anybody to be educated better than everybody else.

Other howlers arise from confusing words. Strangely, there were here very few examples of mistranslation, that prolific begetter of actual howlers. Noteworthy were : Le pays oa ton n'arrive jamais—HP on the never- never.

Coup d'etat is where you win a big prize in the premium bond draw.

Abiit, excess*, evasit, erupit, he had too much and went out to be sick.

Eoka, a Greek word meaning 'I have found it.'

There were some very pleasing misnomers: Unesco is something like Ovaltine.

Benelux is a new kind of soap used for washing clothes.

Huskies are things you suck when you've got a cold.

Electron is a Greek tragedy by Socrates. Stratosphere is the thing the doctor puts in his ears to listen to your chest.

Penicillin is a pain people get before they have it out.

Gallup Poll is the horizontal bar used in horse jumping.

A Red Letter Day is one of the days when Marshal Bulganin writes to President Eisenhower.

Tycoons cause a lot of damage in America where they can be seen coming a long way off.

The Colour Bar is a restaurant for natives only. Cyprus, an evergreen, it is dark and is something to do with funerals.

Totalitarian is a machine where you can bet at races.

The Stock Market is where they bring cattle, sheep. and pigs to be sold. 'A Marginal Seat is a tip-up chair. Radioactivity is a BBC broadcast. A Campanologist is an important member of a polar expedition.

The Mother of Parliaments is the Prime Minister's wife. '

A State of Grace is a term used to describe Monaco. A Script is short for a Bible story on the pictures. Windscale is used for measuring how fast smoke comes out of chimneys.

Supersonic is that 'do, ray, me' stuff we do in singing.

Several of the howlers were more sophisticated :

More and more planes are carrying hydrogen bombs because people want the world to be a safer place., An atomic fall-out is when some one on petrol [sic] drops a H-bomb by mistake.

Atomic reactors are people who are allergic to radiation.

A neutron is a scientist who won't work on the atom for either side.

Christmas Island is where they send people who are likely to commit murder.

Murderers who are mad are sent to a place called Broadmoor for so long as the Queen is happy. Foreigners are very concerned when they hear that the Queen is really the biggest clergyman of all be- cause of her ancient constitution.

Since 1603 things have improved until now religion does not interfere with a person's life.

The Theory of Relativity is printed in the Prayer Book, it says you may not marry for instance your diseased wife's sister.

The South Pole is an imaginary pole, perch or rod where journalists are based to interview explorers. It is easier to discover the South. Pole because they have day all night; at the North Pole they have night all day.

8 es d. to

nd to rr er cl be

A sputnik is a Bolshevist missile that revolutionh the earth.

Quarter Days are the days left over the 365 a stored up for leap year. It is proposed shortly to create some live peers sit in the House of Lords.

There are 640 MPs in the House of Commons a they all belong to their own separate party. British Railways claim that they will be able carry many more passengers when they have elect ]fled them all.

The Minister of Labour is very polite, he keeps 1 telling the trade unions to `go to it' but he no says where. The Budget is kept in a little black box in Downi Street and comes out once a year although nobo likes it much.

A non-profit making concern is a nationalis industry.

ConVrehensive Schools are where teachers can understood.

Eisenhower was once a stern soldier, then t publicans got hold of him and made him their pre dent.

The people of Cyprus want to practice se extermination but the Government won't let the The South African Government is committed to policy of racial degradation. A couturier is a man who tells women that th must wear clothes and what shape they are to be.

Two guineas each go to A. W. Dicker at K. W. Bennett, one guinea to Annie Allen, at half a guinea each to E. R. Ward and R. McKenzie. Commendations (and condolence for all the others who had two of their howle quoted. ng y •

a eY d A. s) rs