Losing the plot
Deborah Ross
Meet the Robinsons U, Nationwide Right, as I still have to do everything around here, I’m even going to tell you exactly what you should say to the kids when they ask if you might take them to see Disney’s latest, Meet the Robinsons, over Easter. Here goes: ‘OK, kid ... ’ You must, by the way, always begin with ‘OK, kid’ as it shows who is the grown-up around here and who is in charge. No, it probably isn’t fair, but it’s fun all the same. So: ‘OK, kid, I’ve been a good mother to you on the whole, haven’t I? I display all your artwork on the fridge even though a lot of it is not that great, don’t I? I put a lot of effort into those packed lunches you never eat, don’t I? And haven’t I, over the years, proved myself an accomplished bottom-wiper, nitpicker, birthday-party organiser, laundress, chauffeur, cook, swimming-goggles adjuster, lost-property forager, Father Christmas, Tooth Fairy ... nope, they’re not real. They’re me! Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy, just another two things your old mum does for you!
‘And now? And now, on top of all this, you want me to take you to the new Disney film? Look, kid, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate all recent children’s movies. I liked Toy Story and Shrek and Stuart Little as much as anybody, but so many are just so dumb and uninspiring and moralistic and boring: Polar Express; Mulan; Open Season; Over the Hedge; The Santa Clause, Pocahontas, Pokémon: The Movie. Remember Pokémon: The Movie, and how mummy’s eyelids got really heavy and then closed and then she started, so you said, making a noise like an outboard motor which is why you had to stuff popcorn up her nose and into her ears and even down her bra? I know, I know, kids’ movies are for kids but, come on, if I’m going to come round with inexplicably crunchy, scratchy nipples there has to be something in for me, too.
‘Anything in Meet the Robinsons for me, then? Well, it’s about an orphan, Lewis, who has a passion for inventing things and longs to be reunited with the family he has never known. He even imagines — can you believe it? — that his birth mother may be nice. What a silly boy, and quite wet too, come to think of it. Anyway, he then gets mixed up with another kid, Wilbur Robinson, who whisks Lewis off to the future, which turns out to be a sort of 1950s retro future, to meet the rest of the Robinson family. Exciting stuff, you would think, especially as, all the while, Lewis must evade the baddie, Bowler Hat Guy, who is skinny-legged, big-nosed, attired fully in black and moves creepily, just like the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. This is no bad thing, actually, as the child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang has to be the spookiest, most nightmarish baddie ever. Yes, they knew how to do things in your mother’s day.
‘OK, kid, the animation in Meet the Robinsons is fine, as are the first 20 minutes, which are even both entertaining and intriguing: where is all this going to go? But then the plot fractures into what is essentially a hyperactive action caper. More, it’s an hyperactive action caper with a needlessly complex, Back to the Futurestyle narrative and such a surfeit of characters you are never properly allowed to get to know any of them. That doesn’t bother you? Honey, it pains me to say it, but I don’t think we did enough Baby Mozart.
‘True, it’s not a disgrace, this film. It’s not a Pokémon, and it is exuberant, in its way. But character and plot have been severely sacrificed for the moral message. Honestly, these days if it’s not about embracing our differences or saving the environment then it’s about, as it is here, the importance of family and shedding your past so you can ‘keep moving forward’, as Freud never said. This is pure Walt Schmaltz. And, anyway, I’ve never forgiven Disney for what they did to Pooh. I’ve forgiven you, almost, for the popcorn in my bra, but what Disney did to Pooh? Never!
‘So, kid, what can I say? It’s inventive to a point but then chucks it all away. That pretty much covers it, I think. Still, you may like it, but what can I do? I’ve seen it now. I’ve got it, why don’t we play hide and seek instead? You hide and I’ll seek until, I don’t know, a week next Tuesday?’ Fair enough, you probably haven’t seen Meet the Robinsons yet, but you could always lie. That’s what they never tell you in films like this: sometimes, your family really, really sucks.
Previous page
