A fool and his money

Booming Britain

Bernard Hollowood

Are we making a song and dance about nothing? 'Is the economic crisis as serious as..the newspapers and politicians • Would have us believe?

The other night, homeward bound, I met a chap in the buffet car of the Portsmouth train and compared notes. He was knocking back miniature whiskies at '52p a time and tucking into BR sausages marked on the menu at 13p each.

"Amazing, isn't it," I said, "how we get used to inflation?"

He flicked the foil from another miniature and lit a cigar. "How d'you mean?" he said. "Well, fancy paying 2s 7d for a sausage, more than half a crown.

It's quite ridiculous, surely?" I said. "Ah, I'm not denying that prices

are up," he said, -but people can afford them. This buffet's always packed. People still drive around, eat in restaurants, go to the pictures.... If you ask me all this talk about Britain, going broke is nonsense, a load of old wotsit. Know what I think? I think the figures are all wrong."

-You' mean the figures for imports and exports," I Said, "for the GNP, the balance of payments deficit and so on?"

"The whole bloody lot. T,hey're worked out by computers and computers are notoriously inefficient. I got a gas bill not long ago'. for £65,395.50: the digits were OK, but the decimal point had strayed three Places to the right.': "I know what you mean," I said. "Most ot our trouble goes back to ' decimalisation," he resuined. "It's , surprising how many People still

think in the old £ s d you, for.' example. Well, if half the returns are reckoned at 240 pence to, the £' and the resf at 100p, it stands to reason that there'll be some distortion in the monthly figures. Added to which is the fact that half our companies use the American billion and half the British. No, I guess if the truth were known, you'd find that Britain is near the. top of the' league with a balance of payments in the black and a GNP second to none."

"But if you know all this," I said, "surely somebody in the Govern-' ment must have tumbled' to the truth. I can't believe that the entire• Civil Service and the Government can be fooled."

"Ah," he said, taking another deep swig of Scotch, "how you're talking! The Government knows the facts, but the truth would be disastrous to industrial relations." Even now, with a colossal trade deficit and astronomical indebtedness, the workers are demanding and getting regular pay increases of 30 per cent. How cryou suppose they would react to the news that we're really in credit and one of the richest nations on earth?

"And you mustn't fol get the propaganda for the Common Market referendum. It paid both sides to paint our finances as black as possible. The pro-marketeers claimed that we were doing badly because of the uncertainty about membership. So far, they said, our heart hadn't been in it, the EEC, and industry and commerce had been dragging its tail, holding its horses and so on. And the antis claimed that being in the market had ruined us. So both sides corn had ruined us. So both sides corn

peted to provide the worst statistiLrossword solutions

cal evidence. Follow me?"

"Well, thank you," I said, "you've lifted a weight from my mind. I've half a mind to join you in a miniature."

"Do that very thing," he said, "and while you're getting it I'd be grateful if you'd bring me another couple. I like to fortify myself before I get home and confront the missus."

"Domestic trouble?" I said. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Nothing serious," he said, "but I have to put on an act for her. If I' came home stone sober she'd tumble to the fact that we're virtually on the bread-line. I do my best to keep it from her."