SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 139

Report by John Usborile

Kiplinfesque fables were called .for to explain a dog's circum- ambulations before curling up by the fire, the cuckoo's parasitic habits or the fact that the new hybrid tea-rose, "Doctor," cannot be photo- graphed close-up because its petals move incessantly in the very stillest air.

The First Friend of Man was, as I had expected, the First Choice of Competitors, and a clear majority noticed the word "Kipling- esque" in brackets. At least that was the inference. Perhaps it was unfair to put a quivering hybrid tea-rose between Kipling's teeth, for no one gave it quite the bite and crackling crunch of the master in his milieu. A few cuckoos' eggs dropped in the right nest and rang the ball, but here again the flavour was hardly Just So. Kipling was always on the friendliest terms with his prototypes, and would, I feel, have needed a great effort of charity to give the cuckoo the inauguration a friendly prototype deserves. The cuckoo, 0 Best Beloved, was an awkward parasite; and that's about all the average parodist knows. I hoped for the above-average here, but I found them all, except one, with The Dog.

The trouble in many cases was that other fabulist influences were too strong. Oscar Wilde kept rearing his well-curled head and there were one or two Barnes and about as many Joyces. The latter's quirk of going off at a word-wallowing tangent must have been particularly magnetic. Anthony Primavesi's dog was borrowed from Stephen Dedalus: "He sat in the grass, but it tickled his tarsus; it tickled his tergum, it tickled his sternum and it tickled the tip of his tail. He scratched with his toes at his tergum and Sternum; he snuffled with his nose at the tickle on his tarsus, but he couldn't reach the tip of his tail. . . . He'd flattened the grass that tickled his tarsus; he'd stamped down the stalks that stuck in his sternum." For R. Kennard Davis I cannot resist playing Frisby Dyke to his Handley and asking: "Wot's disequilibrating my mechanisms?"

I award first prize of two pounds to Guy Innes and one pound each to "Pibwob," "R. 0. J." . and Roger Erskine. Highly commanded: Mrs. V. R. Ormerod (Cuckoo), H. A. C. Evans (Dog), Admiral Sir W. M. James (Cuckoo) and Frances Collingwood (Rose).

PRIZES (GuY INNEs)

It is not known to everybody, Best Beloved, why your Firstest Friend—not Yellow Dog Dingo, nor Garm the Hostag8, nor the Dog You Must Beware of Giving Your Heart To Tear, nor B with an I, N with a G, 0 with a Bingo—but your Firstest Friend, in whose faithful eyes the flames are reflected in more-than-oriental-splendour, turns round and round before he scroogles down in front of the fire. 'Tisn't because one of his remote ancestors led a giddy-go-round life as a Turnspit. 'Tisn't because his master is a Circulation manager—a man of infinite- resource-and-sagacity. 'Tisn't because he is full of 'satiable curiosity to find out which side of him wants warming up first. Nor even, Best Beloved, is it 'cos his Ancestral Memory recalls how his Indian Cousin, Red Dhole, goes clockwise round and round to flatten the grass of the almost-impenetrable-jungle, 'stute animal that he is, so as to make a comfy place to lie down.

It is just because your Firstest Friend, having to store up energy for his impending activities as an Indefatigable Watchdog, is Winding Himself Up!

(R. O. J.)

This is another story, 0 my Best Beloved, of the High and Far-Off Times when the Tame animals were wild. Wild Dog had a furry, feathery tail, most 'straordinarily long and most useful to him in the Wet, Wild Woods for all manner of things. Now when he became the First Friend, his furry, feathery tail bothered him most aggravatingly; for when he was dozing by the fire, in the Cave, the Man would tread on it, and the Baby would play with it, which was most 'scruciatingly painful to his feelings. One night, when his tail was extra sore, because the Man had trodden on it very often, and the Baby had pulled it very hard, the Dog watched the Woman as she coiled and curled her long hair. Then he considered his furry, feathery tail from this side and from that, and he turned and turned and turned, until his tail was all wound safely about him, as the Woman wound her hair. And from that day to this, 0 Best Beloved, the Dog turns and turns before he lies by the fire, to wind what is left of his furry, feathery tail about him, safe from harm.

(ROGER ERSKINE)

In the Wastes-of-Remote-Antiquity, Best Beloved, there were four sorts of birds. There were the Kite, the Coot and the really-truly Gull; there was also the wildly-'stravagant Cuckoo (but you must not ask about him yet).

During the Season of Vernal Germination (that's Magic) the birds were supposed to sing while they built. This was the order of the

Postage on this issue: Inland and Overseas lid.; Canada (Canadian Magazine Post) Id.

Djinn in charge of Works and Forests, who was fond of music, being tender-hearted. The Kite, the Coot and the really-truly Gull sang with Incomparable Sweetness, but the Wildly-'stravagant Cuckoo was too wildly-'stravagant to sing or build. (Do not ask about him yet.) At last the Djinn lost patience (which we are not allowed); he talked to the Cuckoo, being tender-hearted, in a Diplomatic and Non-Committal Manner (that's Magic). But the Wildly-'stravagant Cuckoo was too wildly-'stravagant to listen. The Djinn, being tender-hearted couldn't give him the worst song, on one.note,-so he gave him the next worst,on two.. Then he made a Sloka, which, as you have not heard, I will now procede to relate:

Them that makes nests Shall have Cuckoos as guests.

And that, Best Beloved, was the beginning of Squatters' Rights.

(Ptawoa)

When Dog was wild, before becoming the First Friend of Man, he walked the warm wild wold. Grass was not green and groomed and gracious then, but was all prickly-tickly prongs.

In the Tremenjus Tropics Dog wouldn't walk in the mid-day sun; he went to the grass for shelter and sleep. But the prongs pricked his skin and got into his short ears and up his nose and made him go bespattishoo.

Then Dog consulted his friends. Horse told him, "Sleep standing up"; and Elephant, "Grow tough rough-stuff skin and flapperty- floppety ears and a wabble nose"; and Bear, "Caves are the properest sleeping-places." But Dog fell over when he tried to sleep standing up, and he couldn't grow all elephanty, and he hated caves. So he said, "I'll consult Serpent; he is more subtle than any beast of the field."

Serpent said, "Watch my magic." He curled himself round and round, and Grass bowed before his magic and made him a comfortable bed.

So now, Best Beloved, when Dog sees the fire he thinks, "There's that Tremenjus Tropic Sun," and he curls round and round as Serpent taught him.