Mind your language
MY HUSBAND goes into a sort of zombie state in shops at the best of times. This is not the best of times, it being practically Christmas Eve in shopping terms.
The shops all seem to be giving away catalogues. Boots's catalogue (I know it looks like the apostrophe is in the wrong place, but it calls itself Boots with no apostrophe, so what is one to do?) is a triumph. Who would have thought that a chemist's would turn itself into a natural choice for Christ- mas presents?
Sorry, not presents, but gifts — a word never used in this sense except by retailers. Boots's catalogue promises `inspirational ideas'; this is a bad start for me, since inspirational is on my top 10 list of hated words. The inspirational gifts may be found in Boots stores (not shops) subject to availability — a phrase of seemingly pleonastic import, though it may have some significance for all I know.
The vocabulary chosen to describe the gifts tends to the sin of intemper- ance. The shopper is encouraged to spoil herself with luxurious, sensual, rich indulgence, unashamed pampering. You can choose between an Aromatherapy Indulgence Bag and a Hot Chocolate Indulgence Mug. A dog or a child treat- ed in such a way would soon become fat and liable to tantrums. Even bottles of oil and vinegar promise a luxurious touch for your cooking.
A fondue set (that perennial of jum- ble sales) is called a party treat. Utterly useless gifts are called ingenious and amusing (a wine pourer) or stylish (executive cuff-links in the shape of golf-bags) or stylish and novel (a cat- silhouette toast rack).
Cerruti scent is innovative [urgh], fresh, energetic; Fahrenheit after-shave IS bold and woody. You have been Warned. For us girls, Contradiction scent has it both ways, possessing the simplicity and sensuality of the orchid. An ais Anals is tender, pure and innocent, which is odd, considering that the only Anais one has heard of is that tired old sex maniac whose books are widely available in secondhand shops.
And so it goes on, 116 pages of it. (On page 115b they spell practise wrong, but on the whole the orthogra- phy and grammar are good.) Boots is no worse than other self-advertisers. After all, what new ways are there to cry up your wares? When I retrieved the catalogue from my husband's arm- chair-side table, I thought he had ringed a suitable 'gift'. But it was just the mark of his whisky glass.
Dot Wordsworth
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