COMPETITION

Another adventure

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION No. 2057 you were invited to suppose that, besides Humpty Dumpty, Alice met another nursery rhyme character in Wonderland and to provide an intriguing conversation between them.

I fell in love with the Alice books early and regularly reread them supplementing them with my friend Francis Huxley's madly ingenious book, The Raven and the Writing Desk, to which I modestly contributed by finding two solutions to the Hatter's famous riddle which he poses without being able to provide an answer: (a) because it bodes ill for owed bills (Dr Spooner's answer) and (b) because one contains a river running backwards (Neva) and the other one run- ning the usual way (Esk). Neat, eh? The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky is Fergus Porter's by a cat's whisker.

The cat was looking the other way. Alice began, 'Excuse me, but didn't I see you a little earlier ...?' 'No', interrupted the cat, turning its head.

'You were in a tree,' Alice explained. 'At least sometimes you were and sometimes you weren't.' 'Not me,' the cat interrupted again. 'There's no need for rudeness,' declared Alice. 'There's every need when people don't take the trouble to look properly. You saw a Cheshire cat,' explained the cat. 'We're very distant rela- tions. Cousins, many times removed, that's all.: 'I'm afraid I don't understand about removing cousins, but now I look at you ...'

'It's a pity you didn't look closer sooner,' replied the cat. 'Or sooner closer. They're a lot of stay-at- homes. No Cheshire cat would dream of going t,0 London, to say nothing of calling on the Queen.' 'Or catching a mouse,' said Alice.

For the first time, the cat looked pleased.

'Left,' shouted the red-faced man, right, left.' 'Excuse me,' said Alice. golsefptorlteeftr) The column of men collapsed like the bellows of a camera as they halted. The red-faced man turned to Alice. 'Excuse me, what?'

Alice thought for moment, then said, 'Excuse me, Sir.'

`Wrong.' said the red-faced man triumphantly; `You should say 'Your Grace'. `Why?' said Alice. 'Are we to have tea?'

'No, silly girl. I am the Duke of York'. He blushed even redder. 'The Grand Old Duke of York, actually.' `Why did you march your men up the hill?' asked Alice.

`Why, to get to the top, of course.' `But then why march them down again?' `From the top of a hill,' he said, 'down is the only way. Any military strategist knows that.'

(Noel Petty) `Why do you sit in a corner, Mr Homer?' asked Alice.

'Because it rhymes.' `How odd.'

'Not at all. If I were called Hare I'd sit on a chair.' `Ah I see.' Alice added, 'If you were called Stead would you sit on a bed? 'How silly of you. It doesn't follow. One lies on a bed.'

`But it's nearly the same.' 'Don't be foolish. That's like saying a wardrobe is like an ottoman.'

:No, it isn't,' Alice added, sharply. 'An ottoman is like a Turk.'

Jack Homer replied tartly, 'I fail to see the resemblance.' `Quite so, ' Alice rejoined. She stared at him for moment. 'You're eating Christmas pudding in the middle of June.'

`Quite wrong,' he said. 'A month must have an odd number of days to have a middle. June has thirty days.'

`And it isn't Christmas,' she continued.

`It's Christmas whenever I wish it to be.'

(Sid Field) `What a pretty garden!' cried Alice, who knew how to make polite conversation.

`Stuff and nonsense!' Mary said scornfully. 'How can a garden be pretty when there's nothing growing in it?'

Alice did not know what to say to this. Evidently Mary knew nothing of the rules of polite conver- sation.

Alice looked again at the rows of small, brown cockle-shells.

`You're quite right, I suppose,' she said. 'I —' "Quite right! How can I be quite right? Mary interrupted. 'Either I'in right or I'm not. So you're quite silly — that's plain to see.'

'I am not silly!' Alice cried indignantly. 'I know all — well, almost all — the Kings and Queens of England.'

'I was wrong, then.' said Mary. 'You're not quite silly — you're extremely silly. How can you possi- ble know them when they're almost all dead?' 'Oh, you're so contrary!' Alice exclaimed.

'On the contrary,' said Mary. (W. J. Webster) 'I'm to be married today,' Solomon Grundy cried. 'There'll be a clergyman, and an organ, and, oh, twenty belted frogs to hold the bride's train!'

`Why belted frogs, Sir?' Alice asked curiously. `Why, what a question!' her companion exclaim- ed. 'Whoever heard of a proper wedding without belted frogs? Now if you'd asked why there are twenty - 'And what will you all do afterwards?' Alice enquired hastily.

`Ah,' he said, regaining his good humour. 'First we'll skip, then we'll ride in a trap, then we'll eat quince tarts and dance by starlight.'

`What if the stars aren't shining?' Alice couldn't help asking.

`The stars always shine on a Wednesday,' he said impatiently. 'Everyone knows that.'

But it's Thursday,' Alice objected.

'Oh my eyes!' Solomon Grundy cried, turning deathly pale 'Oh my heart and liver and lungs! Stand back, child. There is nothing anyone can do. I shall be worse tomorrow.' (Chris Tingley)