YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. We have a 'new' parish priest here; he came after a vacancy in the living of some two years. He is more than 60 years of age. I only attend the 8 a.m. Communion Ser- vice (I regard the rest as irrelevant). The parish priest is not a good time-keeper. He tends to start the 8 a.m. service at 8.06-plus and to preach a homily which exceeds the three minutes to which I have been accus- tomed for the last half century. It often becomes ten minutes in length. How should I approach him about a) his late arrival and b) his longwindedness?
P.G.R., Shepperton A. You might purchase or borrow a mod- ern watch with a bleep alarm facility of the type which goes off unexpectedly in the audiences of classical music concerts. Set Your alarm for five minutes after the time you feel you could reasonably expect the service to have ended. Take up a position in the front pew and allow the alarm to go off during the homily. Following the service you can apologise to the priest for the interruption. Say that the alarm is pro- grammed to go off (you need not say for what purpose) at a time when you would normally expect the service to have ended — as it usually has done over the last 50 years. Ask him if he would like you to have the alarm reprogrammed at a watchsmith's and, if so, for what time? You may then enter into a discussion during which you can pleasantly air your views about the ideal length of a Communion Service.
Q. I am just starting a correspondence with the Bristol Merchant Venturers and find I am having to deal with a 'Brigadier X'. Having had an uncle who jumped to half colonel from major just before he retired, and then (with private money) glorified in being 'Colonel Y' for the next 30 years — much to general family irritation — I am reluctant to address anyone who is not actually in the services by a military title. Can I call 'Brigadier X"Mr X' without breaching the social code?
W.R.H.C., Bristol A. According to the military supremo I con- sulted, army officers, whether serving or retired, are nowadays recommended not to use their rank when dealing with civilian issues. This is for security reasons as they may become a target for terrorist attack. You may therefore use the title 'Mr X' when dealing with this brigadier and, if challenged, reply that you have had it on the highest military authority that this is the correct form. If, however, you are loth to provoke the man so openly, you might enclose a 'confidential' note with your first correspondence explaining your actions.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem, please write to 'Dear Mary, The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London, WC1N 2LL.
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