ISLE OF

ISLE OF

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COMPETITION

Point of departure

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1943 you were invited to take the first line of any popular lyric since 1930 and make it the departure point for a piece of light verse of your own. There were some great starts from the cynical There's a small hotel Where we went through hell Together ...

to the fantastic We all live in a yellow submarine, But tomorrow Father Reilly says he's going to paint it green.

Two of you did amusing things with 'How much is that doggie in the window?', one of you wrongly thought that 'I get no kick from champagne' is the first line of the Cole Porter lyric, and another two (including this week's champion) quite legitimately interpreted 'lyric' as `lyrical poem'. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to Tim Hopkins. Our alcoholic sponsors are kindly extending their patronage for anoth- er year. Whose woods these are I think I know, His HQ's in the City though, Securicameras fdm us here, Our trespasses in court to show.

My little son says, 'Dad, it's queer, The owner never visits here.

I chide, 'Don't come the William Blake, The shares are up — we shouldn't sneer.'

He gives his doubting head a shake: 'But surely, Dad, there's some mistake When we can't stop and take a peep At snow-lined trees and frozen lake.'

They're selling high and buying cheap Who from the poor this beauty keep: The devil laughs, the angels weep, The devil laughs, the angels weep. (Tim Hopkins)

If you go down to the woods today You'd better go down prepared! If you go down to the woods today You'd better go in a beard, For every beard that ever there was, Designer stubble or moulting moss, Is down at the woods a-saving endangered

species.

If you go down to the woods today You're in for a lovely buzz, If you go down to the woods today Youmight confront the Fuzz,

And Rent-a-crowd will be out in force,

as a matter of course, 'Cos the TV crews e, 'Cos today's the day of the Great Big Bypass Protest! (Alyson Nikiteas) I gettoo hungry for dinner at eight Now that I'm working on shedding some weight. rt Lunch was just yoghurt and celery sticks, Since when I've managed on one or two licks Off the kid's comets — they weren't too chuffed. Teatime approaches; I'll watch them get stuffed — Muffins with jam, then some chocolate cakes, While on my diet sheet all I can take 's Unsweetened tea with skimmed milk and, what's worse, That cardboard crispbread, nobutter, of course. Calorie-counting's obsessive, I rs

fear;

rs may give me a cheer, Fellow Weight Watchers But is it worth it on watered down wine? Oh, how I long for the hour when we dine. Even steamed haddock will taste just like

heaven.

Couldn't you possibly get here by seven? (Giles Ewing) When youwalk through the storm, Hold your head up high.

be You won't warm And you won't be dry,

Butit's glorious to dream (As the water flows In a freezing stream Down your dauntless nose) Of legions surging To hold the Rhine, Or Wdllington urging His thin red line, And feel yourself kin heroes of

With the he old. Of course, you'll be in For one peach of a cold.

(Chris Tingley) There's a bright golden haze on the meadow, It shines pretty richly today. Though barley may cast a faint shadow, We know that oilseed rape will pay.

There's a prosperous sound in the forest — The chain-saws are felling the pines, We're selling while prices are highest, Before timber value declines.

There's a scent of wild flowers on the pasture, The set-aside acres look grand, And the money we make from this gesture Will buy some more arable land.

There'sa bright golden haze on our future As long as the EEC reigns. We farmers don't need to conjecture: Our losses are dwarfed by our gains. (Alanna Blake) No. 1946: Untruisms

P. J. Kavanagh told me that a relative of his once opined, 'The working classes have no head for heights.' You are invited to offer a rhyming poem (maximum 12 lines) consist- ing entirely of such unreliable generalisa- tions. Entries to 'Competition No. 1946' by 15 August.