YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. What is the protocol about using mobile telephones in restaurants? I understand they are banned in Mark's Club where a friend of mine underwent a Bateman-style experience when she received an emergen- cy call, yet I saw two women receiving calls on their mobiles while lunching at Monte's the other day.
C.L., London SW1.
A. It is still offensive to make or receive mobile telephone calls in a restaurant. The Women you saw at Monte's were making a gaff as the club has deliberately provided a soundless booth into which guests can retire for the reception of either mobile or normal telephone communications.
My wife has left me and I particularly miss the way she used to tickle my hair. No hairdresser seems willing to help me, Mary. Can you?
MS., Cornwall.
A. Simply get hold of a reasonably long elastic band and put it round your head just underneath the hairline. Then sit back. You will enjoy a most stimulating sensation as the elastic retraction gradually pulls the band back with a tantalising slowness, giv- ing your whole scalp a quasi-natural tick- ling on the way.
Q. I live in a large house in the country where we keep a lost property cupboard so that those who come to stay can claim things they have left behind on a previous visit. Now we find that one of our close friends has left a rather embarrassing item in the form of what I suppose might be called 'wonderpants' — i.e. underpants padded so as to give a false impression of voluminosity in the 'front bottom' area. I cannot leave them in the lost property cup- board as everyone who comes to stay would see them (and very likely want to try them on) and my friend would become a laugh- ing stock. So how can I discreetly return the — probably rather expensive — pants with- out humiliating him?
Name and address withheld.
A. They cannot have been that expensive. Far better to throw out the wretched undies and forget the whole sorry business. Though it would clearly be a temptation for a number of householders to leave the pants in the lost property cupboard, then attribute their ownership to an enemy or rival suitor.
Q. What should one do with people who mis-dial one's telephone number and on being told so say things like 'Cheers', `OK', or 'There you go', or at best `Thanks'?
MP., Mulben, Banffshire.
A. You could punish these offenders by ringing the 1471 facility to identify their own telephone number. Ring it straight back and ask for someone unlikely. When told that you have the wrong number you can say, in time-honoured fashion, 'Well, if it's the wrong number, then why did you answer the telephone?'
Previous page
