YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. At a recent charity dinner we sat at a large round table with my wife directly opposite me, between our host and the guest of honour. Halfway through dinner I noticed my wife's face suddenly turn pale and her gaze focus intently on the boeuf en croute before her, a posture she retained until we stood up. After dinner, having regained the power of speech, she confided that the guest of honour, a particularly rep- tilian-looking creature, had spent the previ- ous 40 minutes groping her under the table. She had taken no action as she was aware of the importance of the repulsive oaf's business to our host and did not wish to cause any upset. What should she have done in the circumstance?
TA., London SWI1 A. She could have simulated a loud groan of physical relief and a shudder of pleasure in response to the first groping. Should that have been insufficient to deter the reptile she could have dealt with continued atten- tion by swivelling her chair slightly so as to facilitate his access to her shoulder area. `Oh that's nice,' she could have groaned, `but could you do my shoulders instead? They really do need a massage, they're so full of tension.'
Q. May I pass on a tip to the 'nouveaux riches' who, I am sure, must number heavi- ly amongst your readers? Why not buy up at auction a job lot of anonymous family portraits from earlier centuries and hang them in your nouveau banqueting halls? All you need do is alter the name plates under- neath to pass them off as your own fore- bears.
H.S., London WC2 A. Goodness me, there is nothing new about your (slightly aggressive) suggestion! Indeed I have even written about the lead- ing proponent of bogus ancestor painting, Lucy Neil, who can run off 16th-, 17th-, 18th-, and 19th-century portraits at the drop of a hat. Her service is far superior since the ancestors can be commissioned to have replication noses, eyes and mouths with small variations on your own features so as to suggest that strength of character is one of your family's dominant genes. Lucy Neil's number is 01274 401978. Many of her clients have enjoyed a sensation of feeling that their status has been boosted in the eyes of strangers by having such portraits round the house.
Q. On old British Rail trains the undersides of the lavatory seat lids bore the words, `Gentlemen lift the seat.' Whether this was an instruction or a statement of fact, I never worked out.
B.W.R Oare A. Thank you for your follow-up comment about my lavatory seat query, which has generated considerable correspondence.
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