DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY
Dave is en famille and not to be disturbed unless it’s urgent DIDs (Desert Island Discs) fallout, which means Mr Hague is in charge. Officially. Unofficially, DD keeps ringing up and tasking us with impossible demands. He may as well ask how many foreign prisoners it takes to change a light bulb. And if he doesn’t stop calling me Tammy I will scream.
Poppy is so besotted she has even started talking like him, military references and all. Says DD is like Hannibal at Cannae, positioning his troops in a thin line around the mighty Labour army ready to massacre them from the outside in. I think she has finally lost it. Glassy eyes in Starbucks again.
TUESDAY
The DIDs Impact Assessment report is a shocker. The ‘Ernie Effect’ is totally out of control. Eight out of ten people now associate Dave with beaten-up Ford Cortinas, Carry On films and bottles of silver-top milk. The answer to ‘If David Cameron were an animal, which would he be?’ was almost unanimous: a rabbit. Last month he was an Aston Martin, a Bond film, a plate of smoked salmon and a killer lizard. Nigel says it’s good news. ‘It’s taken the edge off the Old Etonian debauchery thing. Now he’s about good, wholesome, lowgrade British smut.’ Whatever. Personally, I think it is v. bad for our General Wellbeing. Mr Maude suspects our decision to choose ‘Ernie’ came from a rogue focus group finding and is convinced the two ‘Female Waverers’ who told Steve that Benny Hill was a ‘post-post-modern comic genius’ were Labour infiltrators. Inquiry ahoy!
He also gives us a pep talk to ‘put in context’ our success in the polls. He shows us some black-edged graphs and then concludes, ‘So, team, remember: we most definitely are not going to win the next election.’ Poppy says in a stage whisper, ‘Except we so are!’ Which leaves Mr Maude twitching with his hair on end. He thunders, ‘Silence! Who said that? Own up now or I’ll disable the frappuccino-maker!’ WEDNESDAY Dave phones in to complain that everywhere he goes he has to sing at least three verses of ‘Ernie’. He needs to revise the lyrics, and wants us to fax him a cribsheet. He asks if it’s possible to make it really small so he can stick it to the inside of his hand. Yesterday he was going into the deli to buy focaccia and a man shouted, ‘Oi mate, do “My Old Man’s A Dustman”!’ A lot of fan mail coming in from the States. Mr J. Irving Mitchell Jnr from Illinois asks, ‘When is Dave Cameroon’s new album coming out? My wife Betty and I are great fans of his music.’ Didn’t want to upset them so sent a nice picture with a note saying Mr Cameroon is spending a lot of time in the studio, which is true.
THURSDAY The Benny Hill fan club wants to know if Dave can attend a fancy-dress function in Bognor Regis this autumn. Snotty letter from Morrissey’s agent: ‘Choosing one of my client’s songs for your desert island was a clear breach of our previous understanding. Mr Morrissey is deeply distraught and in the interests of clarification will be recording a new song entitled “The Boy With A Car for His Shoes (I Hate Tories)”.’ Sounds quite catchy.
tamzin.lightwater@spectator.co.uk
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