Low life
Getting a buzz
Jeffrey Bernard
Iwas sitting on a bar stool the other afternoon minding my business and a drink and talking in a desultory fashion to Richard the barman about the quantam theory when I suddenly became aware of an amazing conversation that was going on just behind me. I looked round and saw, sitting around a table, two teenage girls interviewing a pretty young thing who is an actress apparently on the verge of having lift-off to the stars. It's no wonder that most show business people are completely bananas as you may have noticed particu- larly when they step up to collect awards. Later, it transpired that the interviewers were from a magazine called Just 17 although they sounded as though they might have been from Now We Are Eight. Any- way, it's very heady stuff being interviewed and you obviously have to learn the lan- guage which is particular to interviews.
'What do you like most about acting?' 'Well, you know, basically it gives me a tremendous buzz. I like a challenge.' (Up till then I'd always thought of a challenge as being something like a blocked-up lava- tory to a plumber.) `Do you prefer being on the stage or doing films?"Well, basical- ly films are bursts of concentration. You're working as such for three minutes a day. It gives me a buzz but the theatre is more of a challenge.' (This girl must have been a bee in a previous incarnation.) 'You say it gives you a buzz, but is there anything you don't like about acting?"Well, basically [if I hear one more basically I am going to scream] to look good all the time is tiring and quite painful [don't we bloody well know it my dear] and it's quite a strain when you think that there are more unem- ployed people in this business than there are in. . . [ship building?] well anyway, it's one hell of a challenge.' (If she likes challenges so much why not write to Marvin Hagler for an invitation?) 'Is there any one part you would particularly like to play?' (King Lear?) 'Well, basically, I'd like to play everything.' (Jesus Christ, another vodka please, Richard. I too need a buzz.) 'How do you get on with other people in the business?"Well, there are certain American actors you have to admire and allow them their griping, but basically I really like them. They give me a terrific buzz.' (You really ought to buy yourself an orange-and-black-striped jersey.) `Do you prefer comedy or straight parts?' (You're in a comedy now, silly.) 'I don't really care as long as I'm working and have a challenge.'
At this point I moved along the bar out of earshot feeling quite numbed by the buzzing and the ringing of the bell for seconds out of the challenger's corner. And it's funny to think that I once wanted to be an actor. I always thought it was like Joan Littlewood once told me: 'messing about on the stage with some of your mates'. But I did feel an absolute rotter when they had to move because I was laughing so much. She should have stayed. If you're going to play comedy then laugh- ter should be music to the ears. Anyway, I understand how that girl feels. I get a tremendous buzz out of being a hack. Usually when I get paid, if not then at opening time. It is also a tremendous challenge. Take today. I've got to write a column for the Sporting Life an hour and a half ago. And try talking to an editor on the telephone in a packed pub pretending that you're at home slogging your guts out in solitude. What's more, we never get to hear the applause if there is any but the abusive letters keep rolling in. I think I might cry in a minute and very nearly did when she said that about it being tiring and painful to look good all the time. I stole a look into the mirror behind the bar and wished I was Dorian Grey. But I tell you, being a film star is money for old rope. Every time I've seen a star they're always smiling. That surely signifies something apart from an overloaded bank account. Mind you, village idiots smile all the time. Maybe stars get punch drunk from flat- tery? Maybe from being interviewed. Come to think of it I was interviewed the other day by Ena Kendall from the Obser- ver for that page called 'A Room of My Own'. After she'd gone, I realised with horror, and I mean horror, that I had been taking myself seriously for the 45 minutes she was with me. That is the end. No wonder actors and politicians are quite mad. You have heard of Ronald Reagan, iaven't you?
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