No. 1342: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Old Tusser, whom I quoted, had yet another desideratum for cheese: that it should not be 'like a bishop,
made of burnt milk', this apparently being a reference to the proverbial phrase (veil apt these days),`the bishop has put his foot in it'. Cheese thus bungled was once said to be 'bishoped'. I am in the same position as the late Lord Butler, who couldn't even boil an egg, though he claimed it would probably be within his competence if only he could master the technique of getting the water hot enough. So I didn't attempt to judge
you on culinary plausibility, and I'm eer- tianly not going to attempt any of your receipts, especially N. J. Warburton 's Burnt Norton Dumplings. Among the near-winners were Joyce Johnson (`First, as the White Queen said, the fish must be caught, but ignore all her future instrue' tions') and Katie Mallett, who reconr mended that a cheese soufflé should be 'as, light and fluffy as a Barbara Cartlano hair-do', but not 'as weak as Narcissus limply falling into a faintly scented image of himself . The five entries below earn their authors £10 each, and the bonus bottle of Pol Roger White Foil Champagne (NV), presented by the distributors Dent and Reuss, goes to Noel Petty, who with nice esprescience referred to 'beaded Nib'
bles'. Toad in the Hole
Prepare the batter. Beat well until it breaks out in beaded bubbles like the blushful Hippocrene (but not tasting of Flora). The sausages should be neither pallid and limp like Jake's Thing, nor so overstuffed as t° burst Bunter-like from their outer garments' Ideally they should have the stately plumpness of Buck Mulligan. Place them in the batter, not contiguously to resemble the poor craft tha; bore Huck down from Hannibal, but wel separated, like basking Nautili. Alternatively' cut them in halves and place on end, so that theY, rise from the plain of batter like the breasts of Sheba. Cook in a hot oven until the batter is as brown and textured as the face of Pilar, and serie immediately. Younger members of the faMilY may wish to garnish liberally with ketchup after the manner of The Spanish Tragedy.
(Noel Petty) It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for an amateur to produce the Perfect chip, but courage is the thing. All goes if courage goes. Here are the instructions — read, mark, learn and inwardly digest. Cut the peeled and washed potatoes into Falstaff-fat chips. Leanness is to be despised. Heat a heavy saucepan of oil until it gives off smoke the colour of blue remembered hills. Drop the chips in like Noah's animals, two by two, to prevent the too rapid cooling of the oil. Cook for as long as it takes to read Belloc's 'Matilda' five times through. Remove chips and blot them. Reheat oil, then, once more, into the Pan, dear friends, once more, until they take a deep autumnal tone. Remove and sprinkle with a little Lot's wife.
Then, take, eat, for tomorrow we diet.
(V. Ernest Cox) Cheese Potatoes
This dish fulfils Coleridge's requirement for Metaphor in yoking and fusing what was dispara- te — one of the great culinary gifts of South America and a requirement of the Old World. Disregarding the contempt of the Racinian r-seoffier for the wilder Shakespearian English Potato, bake four medium-sized, well-scrubbed and fork-pricked English potatoes at 350 de- grees until well cooked. Halve each like the n-souls of Plato, scoop out centre and mash, heating in two tablespoonfuls of milk, four ounces of grated cheese, a little choOped parsley d some of that seasoning without which food ,4,14 as joyless as the bachelor's life' in Johnson's ettml. Then, like the last love in Goethe,
briefly reheat. (George Moor) Roast Eggs Alexander
For a 'good, honest, wholesome, hungry break- fast', as recommended by the great Isaacus riscator, there is nothing (whatever may have been said by A. P. Herbert's fast-living heroine Who breakfasted on gin) that equals the simple egg; and although Jane Austen's Mr Woodhouse may not be alone in enjoying 'an egg boiled soft', this author cannot but agree with his distinguished predecessor Alexander Pope that the vulgar boil, the learned roast an egg', and it is to this delight that he would now 'your beneath Pleasure move'. The egg must be removed from ueneath Dame Partlet and conveyed 'with all Convenient speed' to a small griddle. You will require, as did Mrs Battle, 'a clear fire and a clean hearth'. Place the griddle on the hob, and, turning occasionally, wait for the shell to black- en. When all is cooked, crack open and eat. You will enjoy the hymnist's 'bliss beyond compare'. (Gerard Benson) Take a camel, such as will pass through the eye of a needle more readily than a rich man enter heaven. Stuff it with'a thousand eggs, so many as Were the Persian Nazar Afsanak of al-Mas'udi, otherwise the Alf Laylah Wa Laylah, anglice 'Thousand Nights,' or the number of expedi- rnaries Garibaldi (may his memory live for of overthrew the stinking Bourbon Kingdom Sicilies, the Two Sicilies with. Talking of the Two seed, add just that number of quintals of quail .7.ed, for did not God send quails to the Children '1'31 Israel in the wilderness called Sin, that is 4:tween Elim and Sinai? Next simmer gently for illanY hours as Sir Edward Coke recommends be spent in prayer in his Pandects, or De in Jus as Cando to wit four. Serve in a lordly dish, even Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite did butter.
(Charles Mosley)
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