YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. My husband, who is totally tactless, has let slip to some troublemaking friends of a friend that we have a nickname for our mutual friend. I fear that the huge affection in which we hold this man might be thrown into doubt were wagging tongues to pass on the nickname — inspired by his eating habits — to his very sensitive ears. How can we prepare for the inevitability of this event?
Name and address withheld
A. Pre-empt his dismay by ringing up the man immediately and addressing him by a Chinese whispers version of the nickname which renders it benign. For example, if, behind his back, you refer to him as Gobbler, say, 'How are you today, Cobbler?' When he asks, 'What do you mean "Cobbler"? Why are you calling me Cobbler?' Reply, 'Oh, it's our new nickname for you. You remind us of the lovely cobbler in that children's story The Elves and the Shoemaker, because you're so industrious.'
Q. We're off to stay with foodie friends in the country. One of their unvarying rituals is to go mushroom-collecting, and at least one of the meals over the weekend will be centred on the fruits of their foraging. My wife and I are terrified of being poisoned, but our hosts know that we eat conventional mushrooms regularly — as one does. How can we get um of eating these foul fungi without causing offence?
C. T, Southsea, Hampshire A. Mushroom expert Bruno Rost suggests that you bring a house present of the photographic Pan Guide to Mushrooms by Roger Phillips. As you pick over the produce with a forensic eye to make absolutely sure you will not be poisoned, you will at least be able to give a convincing impression of enthusiasm.
Q. I spend one day each week painting in an adult student group. The classes take place in an exquisite outbuilding within the glorious acres of an unspoiled country estate. The teacher is a charismatic genius and the company is unrivalled. Naturally, this enjoyable experience is the highlight of my week. How should I respond to the slightly impertinent queries I receive from friends and acquaintances, who clearly doubt my ability — despite never having seen my work — when they ask in incredulous tones, 'But what are you going to do with all those paintings you are producing?'
MW, Wiltshire A. Sigh wistfully and reply, 'Well, I'd love to have an exhibition, but the trouble is people keep buying the work as I produce it.'
Q. I have a small arboretum which borders the road through our village. One of my neighbours who walks her dog along this road likes to pass the time of day when she sees me working on my trees. She asks me about the trees, but the problem is that she holds me up for too long. How can I send her on her way without hurting her feelings, but without allowing her to detain me overlong thus breaking the momentum of my progress?
Name and address withheld A. One foolproof way to bring such a conversation to a natural close is to say, 'I'm not sure I've been that helpful to you.' The interlocutor cannot help but insist, 'Oh yes, you have', which provides the cue for you to wave pleasantly and turn away to another task.
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