Freedom Unhooked

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 448: Report by Allan M. Laing

One of the legal highlights of last year was the reminder, by the Minister of Agriculture and Fisheries, that it, was illegal to fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl. The usual prizes were offered for the best sets of verses in' three stanzas, each stanza to end with the refrain: 'But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.'

' A COMPETITOR (W. G. Daish) writes : A difficult competition

Yours faithfully opines : Here he is, so fond of fishin' Yet can't manage better lines!

But another entrant thought it 'a most amusing competition,' and still another 'great fun to do.' Joan Acker, however, spurned the given refrain as 'this goddam awful line.' As a matter of fact, it was a very easy competition, as a numerous and very competent entry proved. Never have I appreciated so fully the vast extent of liberties allowed by our benevolent laws before reading these verses. Apparently, Britons are permitted to do anything under the sun, from leaving the office cat 'for many a lone weekend' to 'hooking doubt7 ful votes at a General Election'; the only exception being fishing for goldfish in a goldfish bowl. The phrase 'chavender or chub' was well to the fore; and so was the Icelandic trouble, nor was' the

blooding of Jimmy Edwards forgotten. •

Where the problem was so easy, originality and technical excellence became of prize-winning importance. I divided the entries into, 'impossible,' `Possible' and `Probable.' The impossibles were those who, in spite of good verse, failed in origin- ality and technique. The possibles just lacked the little something that the probables achieved. From the ten in the last class 1 discarded, with reluc- tance, verses by Goodwill, H. A. C. Evans, Rhoda Tuck Pook and R. A. McKenzie (who played most ingeniously with the syllable 'old'). As for the prize-winners, I suggest a guinea each to Gloria Prince (for wit and formal originality), Wyn Boileau (for 'A Very Serious Poem'), P. M. (usual high standard), Guy Tyrrell, M. Pamela Ross (who, from the handwriting, I take to be a teen- ager), and (of course) J. A. Lindon.

PRIZES

((LORIA PRINCE)

I said to him, 'Minister, at last I have won to you Through your repellant secretaries!' (I raised my hat.)

`What of Iceland's effect on ouneconomy as a whole?' He said, '1 know precious little about all that;

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.'

I said to him, 'Minister, this deplorable harvest! The farmers are threatening--and could one doubt it?

Has the Government everything under control?' He said, 'My Department knows nothing about it; But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.'

I said to him, 'Minister, millions are starving

• In China and India, the rice crop has failed. The 'Yankees burn wheat! What's the Government's goal?'

He, laughing, said, 'Lord knows!' Then added (and paled),

'But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.'

A VERY SERIOUS POEM (WYN Boll EAU)

You may hunt, a stag in Devon, you may send a dog to heaven

In a spialiik, as it hasn't got a soul, To the mines send forest ponies, make itftir coat out

of conies, .

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

You may, boil a lobster living, and the eggs your hen is giving,'

You may haul a gasping herring from its shoal,

You may glue a fly to paper, salt a slug, and watch it caper,

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish howl.

When to chase a fox you've taught her, you may blood your little daughter (With Jimmy Edwards in his sporting role),

You may trap a baby rabbit in the good old English habit-

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

(GUY TYRRELL)

As Izaak Walton's father lay a-dying on his bed He summoned little Izaak and unto the stripling said: 'You may do a little thieving : you may forge a little cheque, You may float a bogus company or organise a wreck, And despite such peccadilloes, you may still preserve • your soul, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

'You may fill your fishing basket if you sally forth by

. night

Equipped with detonators and a stick of dynamite; In offshore Icelandic waters, you may confidently troll But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

'You may do some quiet poaching : you may even tickle trout, You can angle out of season when there's nobody about,. You can get away with murder in your piscatorial role, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.'

(P. M. )

The members of the Min. of Ag. with fervour superstitious Won't let ybu be unsporting-not for gods and little fishes!

You may hunt a Loch Ness Monster, or go whaling at the Pole,

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

You may pull a lobster from a pot-it's not considered knavish

To drag an oyster out of bed, or bait a pool for crayfish;

You're free to use a shrimping-net or spear a stranded sole, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

Of course we all agree with them, and think folk most unpleasant Who'd dynamite a salmon, shoot a fox or sitting pheasant.

We cage a tiger or a bird, trap squirrel, stoat or mole, Shut dogs in flying saucers and gas rabbits down a hole, But we'd never, never, never fish for goldfish in a bowl.

You mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

(M. PAMELA ROSS)

You may lure the little minnows with a worm upon a pin, It isn't very moral but it doesn't count as sin, You may fish, not too near Iceland, for plaice or cod or sole, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

You may gallop after foxes if you wear the proper pink, You may certainly catch sticklebacks and keep them in the sink.

I think you may send ferrets down a bunny-rabbit's hole, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

You may catch an alligator to make shoes for ladies fair, You may send a mouse sky-rocketing beyond the encircling air.

You may drive a team of Huskies or Sno-Cats to the Pole,

But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl.

(J. A. LINDON)

You may hunt the Giant Panda in the forest of Szechwan, Or Abominable Snowmen in the heights of Pakistan; Use a hippo-potting permit in Uganda from a knoll, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl!

You may battle with the tunny-fish in waters that are warm,

PUt your bolt across an albatross (and conjure, up a storm),

You may take a funny finny fossil, Fanny, from the coal,

But you mustn't fish, for goldfish in a goldfish •bowl !

You may slaughter creepy-crawlies when they stray upon your skin, You may catch a Painted Lady .and impale her on a pin, You may chase a copper hopper with a chopper on a pole, But you mustn't fish for goldfish in a goldfish bowl I