COMPETITION
No 624: Cuntempry Yinglish
Competitors are invited to submit a pas- sage of up to 120 words in the new Received Standard English deplored by Stella Fitz- Thomas Hagan in her article on page 360, in the form either of a radio description of a Royal occasion or of an extract from a speech in the House of Commons. Entries, marked 'Competition No. 624,' by 16 October.
No. 621: The winners
Charles Seaton reports: As two hundred starving crocodiles were being rescued by the South African Air Force, competitors were asked for either a letter of thanks from a grateful croc or an extract from an appeal in aid of undernourished vultures. Perhaps I had overrated their IQs but the crocs and vultures failed to bring tears to my eyes, though the crocs had plenty in their own, Fergus Porter's `Lend-a-Haunch' is surely deserving of support, while J. F. Frown's ingenious campaign slogan: 'V for Victor the Vulture' (where vicToa=Vulture Inter- national Campaign To Obliterate Refuse) earns a guinea.
The vultures' case had several eloquent pleaders, including a spokesman for the World Wildeyed Fund (put forward by C. L. Bundela). Of the two following, the second would surely elicit a larger—and more varied—response than the first :
... It is grimly ironic that whilst the refuse- operatives of the human world are gaining the financial appreciation they richly deserve, their avian colleagues starve. Vultures de- mand parity with their brothers of the urban dustbins. They demand re-establishment in their rightful pecking order, and their just share of the GNPS of corpses. To this end, they seek the immediate shutdown of all cemeteries and crematoria; the compulsory disposal of cadavers on vulturine sands; the banning of all technological devices for the rescue of desert explorers; the promotion of fierce and properly vulnerable independence in wasteland pioneers ...
John Dighy
. . . and so I beseech you to' cast aside the cruel sentimentality that condemns millions of worthy creatures to public „execration simply because they are not, perhaps, as cuddly and endearing as one might wish. Remember that the public-spirited folk for whom I appeal—now, alas, under-employed —are normally engaged on essential tasks of refuse disposal which, if not undertaken with their exemplary despatch and zeal, would make life on earth for the rest of us even more unattractive than it is already. Give generously. Cheques, postal orders, ripe titbits of carrion—just pop them in an envelope and send them to me, Lord Scaven- ger „ Martin Fagg The crocodiles were duly, but not syco- phantically, grateful. There were, however, one or two lapses of taste on their part, one of them entailing an apology for a mis- sing aircraftman. Two of the smoothest operators can represent them all: Gentlemen, As a crocodile of many years basking, I wish to express my sincere thanks, and those of my family and friends, for your timely intervention when all of us were very close to the Great Handbag Factory.
I understand that a distinguished member of your species once suggested that we crocodiles 'shed tears when we would de- vour'. I can only say that, anxious as we were to devour, any tears we shed were those of gratitude, especially when we reali- sed that you were rescuing us all without regard to the colour of our hides. Happy landings, Crocodilus Niloticus George van Schaick Dear Sir, Permit me to express, on behalf of myself and my companions, our heartfelt gratitude for all your kindness. Though thick-skinned and sometimes snappy, we are not without our finer feelings. We were particularly touched to find that we were not restricted to the ordinary air-line menu, but were in- stead permitted to make a selection from the passenger list. Speaking personally, this gave me a deep sense of inner satisfaction, even though the flight was, of course, an all-black one. Such thoughtful attention to our tastes still brings tears to my eyes. Yours insincerely, Crocodilus Crocodilus Peter Peterson
Each of these four wins three guineas. Finally, two guineas for P.M.'s knowledge., able vulture: Sir, About Ecology You may not be particularly knowledgy, But a glance into -Doomsday Book (Taylor's) Should show you that undue fostering of bony-scuted horny-scalers May dangerously upset the balance of Nature, Inviting the same sort of fate your Acanthaster Planers population explosion In the ocean Prepares for mankind by the chewing-up of the Barrier Reef.
Good Grief!
As to chewing, all crocodiles, alligators and muggers Are absolute buggers— And completely anti-social—whereas we Vultures Public-spiritedly cleanse the world's messes— moreover, without any recourse to tedious sephltures, Waste-disposal Plants or Sewage Works: Dead crocodiles are one of our Perks. (signed Ogden Falconiform) Commendations to Edward Samson, R. G..1Ellier, J. M. Crooks, Molly Fitton and E. P. Heriz-Smith.,
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