No. 1282: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: A Fleet Street daily recently carried the news that over a third i

A of Russia's industrial robots are jobless and that those which are at work are unpoPule., with — and sometimes attacked by — human fellow-workers. Competitors wer" asked for a robot's lament at this situatO°i And a very fair fist most of you made the job. If your robots — mostly Russia `..-t weren't complaining about dust or 0,, (`I've shorts in my circuits and rust in toes' — Basil Ransorne-Davies) or the ris. ,1 of a spanner in their works eresentl II human workers Spiked me with a We' placed spanner' — Peter Norman), they he moaned their failure with the girls on the

production line or implored Andropov to improve their lot. With a number of good entries to chooSet from, picking the winners this week wasp easy, but the five below finally emerged and

receive £10 each, while the bonus bottle of PirrIM's No.1 goes to Ian Hunter.

Humans are frankly incompetent here's no point in hiding the fact: I'd do all the hard work, and gladly, 1r Only they'd treat me with tact.

',won't be a digital doormat Pt, know got feelings as well

Know / seem stiff and unbending, But 1 long to come out of my shell. Picture a caring technology,

_ onsider your robot a mate, The Don't hurt through my neck — ornamont hurt me with curses and hate.ental, TheY And scowl over lunch-break and tea, [really can't take to their manners But oh Whyr can't they take to me?

(Ian Hunter) Oh, no one works harder than me on a Lada, li,rovarich, please give me a break:

If I go beserk, it's because of my circuits, I'm made not to make a mistake; And lust as you havda read right through your Pravda

With me it's the same: I've no choice But to finish my quota, by rote and not rota, Denied by design any voice.

If Pro twisting a top off a tin-can, Andropov Is calling the tune in my case:

Piad while You swig your vodka, I'm left on iud, ea- Librating my comradely pace: But I gain no enjoyment from mass unemployment — Like you, I am faceless and grey: So please don't destroy me because they employ me, And put hammers and sickles away!

(Nell L. Wregible) I wish I knew why they're always attacking me and keen to supply a reason for sacking me they call me a Trot the idea's ridiculous that's one thing I'm not my work is meticulous the way I perform reveals my vitality exceeding my norm is daily normality the next thing they'll try will be a robotomy I wish I knew why they don't think a lotomy (Roger Woddis) As I was a-walking in Old Vladivostok I met a young robot cut down in his prime: His state was disgusting with terminal rusting, But when 1 re-wired him he played back his crime.

'As a Comrade'Apprentice I worked in a factory Turning out track-pins for tractors and tanks: My non-stop activity raised productivity But alas, this proclivity earned me small thanks.

'We robot Stakhanovites lack popularity ... My workmates' dislike took a positive form, For as long as 1 kept up, my voltage was stepped up - And power-surges stopped me exceeding my norm.'

So for all you young androids switched on by And ropov, You robots electrified mainly by Marx, One point is essential: ignore your potential, Or else be reduced to just cinders and sparks.

(Tony Brode) I am a robot welder 1 stand and weld all day I never make an error I never stop to play My spot welds are perfection My alignment is precise But in spite of this achievement My heart's a block of ice Nearby works the fair Svetlana A welder now no more For 1 can work three times as fast So now she sweeps the floor I love her oh so madly But to tell her I'm unable For all she does is swear at me And try to snap my cable (John Thrower)