No. 545: The winners Trevor Grove reports: `To make Inke:
Four ounces of Gaules Two ounces of green Copperice one ounce and half of Gum Arabick . . .' These are the opening words of the Verney recipe for ink, quoted in full by Sylvia Townsend Warner two weeks ago. Competitors were invited, in similar fashion, to supply the necessary methods and ingredients for making one of the folowing: a pop star, a United States of Europe, an 'experimental' novel, a Liberal- victory at the next election. Despite the gusto with which competitors tackled these not inconsiderable culinary problems, it was disappointing not to find more of them using the occasion for some hard- hitting parody at the expense of gastronomic writing. As a journalistic set-piece your average smartypants recipe is becoming so misleadingly cliché-ridden, so sublimely `literary,' that it's about time someone pointed out the dangers of these supposedly instructive little compositions falling into inexperienced hands. Most entries, however, plainly belonged to the authoritative, no-nonsense Beaton school of writing. Could anything be more to the point than J. R. V. White's recipe for a Liberal victory?
For a liberall uictorie, take fyrst six hvndred uerie bewtifull candydates of midel yeares: yf they bee actovrs, so mvche the bettre, for they wol bee alreadie wol yknown. See to it that they bee oftentimes ypovrtraied in the chronickles wyth dogges & canes, more especiallie those that they haue, at great riske to their persovns, rescved from drownynge, for to this nacioun .a kyttenes death svrpasseth al othir tragedies, & fvrthermore the catte & dogge louers fovrme the greatest parte of the uoters. Bee not concerned wyth oraciouns, for the people are tyred of polycies.
Four guineas to Mr White. There were variants on this simple dish, of course—J. M. Crooks's for instance:
To make a Whiggish Victorie: take one ounce of Essence of Grimond, one ounce of Dystilla- tion of Thorpe and one minion pounds of Pub- lick Relations. Place in a Grande Olde Glad- stone Bagge, stir up with a new Walpole, and beat to a Buff Orpington .
... or Jethro B. Tucket's rhyming version:
For Victorie ensure that you have gotte Deposittes as will cover all your Needes Re-Vitalised Spiritte one Large Potte A Folio of Goode-Intention'd Deedes One Undisputed Leader holding Swaye (And One reserved for A Rainie Daye)
There were numerous ideas for cooking the books in a modern manner. John Digby, unlike some, does without the Grilled Robbe but wins four guineas none the less: . . . meanwhile straining away Plot, Atmos- phere, 'Human Interest' or any other Foreiga Substance. By this time, the resultant Mixture of pure Perception and Sensitivity will be found to be Half-Baked. Then, whilst taking every care against the noxious intrusion of Full Stops, Colons and Commas, employ the Typewriter in the measure lavish-to-inordinate until Monumentality has been reached. Watch for deleterious Matter like Intelligibility or Coher- ence, and expunge firmly at their first appear- ance.
When finished, test for Obscurity. Serve with plentiful sauce of Encomium to encourage digestion, and a Joyce ('Ulysses') 1922, or (Tin- negans') 1939, to condition the Palate.
To make a pop star, as several competitors noted, 'First catch your hair .. .' Here's Hilary Temple, who wins four guineas, on the subject: To make a Poppestarre: Take a Peasaunts childe that hath bene lefte in a darke Place many Monthes; auerte thine eyes & Nosethirles & remoue him to a publique place. Adde a Lute aboute his Necke. While he capereth & bawleth at his Treetment bringe to him suche as loue Minstrelsie, and worke them together a litel time. When there cometh a squeeking and knap- ping of handes the Mixture is righte. Put to it a seasouning of softe Drogges, ncwe Moralitie, fantastique Cloths & suche Notorieties as can be gotte. This Mixture will not keepe aboue a year.
Four guineas, finally, to Edward Samson:
To make a United States of Europe. First take the old spice Spero Winstonia: from the nearby Common Market obtain seeds of Love-in-Idle- ness and Herba Sacra reputed to avert the pro- gress of venom. Throw these vigorously into a melting pot or pan European with Aqua Vila and Essence of Bindweed and heat to an agree- able State: agglomerate into homogeneous soli- dity with Plaster of Paris; but first strain off Gaulle. The mixture should be allowed to cool until there is no visible sign of ferment and the odour of its many parts is gone. Flavour with Pax Vobiscum.
Honourable mentions to Martin Fagg, P. W. R. Foot and George van Schaick.
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