Mercurius: a complaint
Sir: I have these severall moneths forborne in silence - those vaist cartloads of antick /Ass, writ by one Mercurius Oxoniensis which you have seen fit to publish in your
Gazette; and though in truth my spleen bath been hartily envenomed by his prat- tling, yet had I been contented still to have held my peace, had he in his turn confined his silly barbs to the petty world of Oxford gossyp (they having no better occupation in that place than to indulge in such idle scribbling). But now he bath most imperti- nently presumed to interpose his medling finger in our publique affaires here; so that I am bound once more to take up my pen, to defend our auncient University from his base designes. For deer proof of which in- solency on his part, take this following.
It fell of late upon those grave and wise Senatours, the Fellows of Pembroke College (one of our most famous and illustrious Coils., which you may find in Trumpington Street, o'er-looking Peterhouse), to choose for themselves a new Master; which election, I am most reliably informed, was most un- commonly protracted; the Fellows being locked in conclave for many moneths before the first wisps of black smoke were seen to float from the chimney of that celebrated Fellows' Parlour. Twas widely remarked throughout the University, that notwith- standing the great length of the delibera- tions, yet the singular amity and concord for which that Coll. is justly famed were most wondrously preserv'd; for when the proceed- ings moved towards their end, it was deer to those stout Senatours that the choice must be between two men:. and the sole reason for the delay was, that both were of such excellent parts, and both so fitly quali- fied to discharge weighty responsibilities of state, that the Fellows were hard pressed to choose between 'em. Thus on the very after- noon preceding the critical vote, the parties were so delicately ballanced, that even the
bookmakers among the young men of the College had much labour to decide which of 'em to pitch upon as favourite.
Twas then, however, that the treacherous machinations of that monstrous Mercurius played their fatefull part. For the managers of one party, being gathered as I am in- formed in the Parlour, and soothing their frail nerves by glancing through the weekly Gazettes, stumbled upon a passage in Mer- curius's then most recent missive; wherein it was most insolently stated, that 'there are few elections in which a chymist or botan- ologer is not put forward and pressed hard by the mechanick party'; the sight of which aspersion, as you will readily understand, afforded great glee to the said managers; for the choice of the other party had fall'n upon no other, than a most eminent and worthy chymist.
It may not be credibly ascribed to chance, therefore, that when, later in the same-after-. noone, some of the chymist's party strayed into the said Parlour, they came came upon the offending copy of the SPECTATOR; left open, as 'twere fortuitously, at Mercurius's column; the passage I have cited being heavily scored with ink. At which the chym- ist's party took immediate fright; and when, that very evening, the votes were com- pounded, and the College cryers at long last free to hurry through the streets of Cam- bridge, chanting the auncient cry 'Habemus Magistrund Habemus Maeistrum!' to the wondering throng, 'twas found that the chymist's party had quite melted away, leav- ing a deer victory to the other faction.
Which outcome will doe noe great harm to that resilient Coll., which would have been served to equal! advantage by the champion of either party, Yet I would have
you thinke upon the impudence that was at worke here, that Master Mercurius should so presume to interfere (for how else are we to interpret his barbs?) in the affaires of another Coll., in another University. That such poisoned darts should find favour with so illustrious a Gazette as the SPECTATOR brings much trouble to the loyal! breast of your humble servant,
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