YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. What is the correct way of dispatching election canvassers who call at your house and whose party you do not support? I remember from the last election experienc- ing protracted embarrassment and bore- dom while enduring the 'spiels' of such People, but, short of shutting the door in their faces, what can you do?
F.W.W., Newbury
A. Do remember that there are many lone- ly Britons who actually look forward to the visits of election canvassers and welcome them into their homes with eagerness. You should therefore feel no qualms about smil- ing brightly at your nuisance callers before saying, ambiguously, 'No need for you to waste any time here,' and directing them towards a neighbour who, you can confide, is very lonely.
Q. I have been told by an allergist that I am allergic to wheat and milk, and indeed I have noticed a vast improvement in my sense of well-being since I gave up food- stuffs containing these products. My prob- lem is that my parents-in-law clearly think the whole thing is a load of nonsense and that I am neurotic. Whenever I go to stay with them they try to press me to have things with wheat or milk in them, saying,
`Go on, don't be silly. Humans have been eating wheat and drinking milk since time immemorial.' My persistent refusal induces an atmosphere of tension in the household. What should I do?
Name and address withheld
A. Collude with your allergist to produce a personalised fact-sheet for you which will detail all those foodstuffs which you must avoid and the consequences of your failure to do so. Then pop this fact-sheet into an envelope. Address it by typewriter to your- self c/o your parents-in-law. Next time you go to stay with them post this letter to your- self so that it arrives the day before you do. Stamp the envelope 'URGENT'. On receipt, one ,of your parents-in-law will surely telephone you to advise you of the arrival of an urgent letter. At this point you
can say, 'I cannot think what it can be. Could you open it and read it out to me over the phone in case it can't wait until tomorrow?' No doubt they will be cha- grined by the contents and will be less eager to pressurise you into consuming debilitating foodstuffs when you arrive to stay with them on the following day.
Q. I have always found anything to do with noses disgusting. I adore children but can- not understand why their noses have to be running all the time. I usually bring tissues when I go to visit friends with children and simply wipe their noses for them so I can bear to look at them. However, I have one friend in particular whose three children's noses seem to be permanently caked with undislodgeable matter. What should I do as I am shortly to pay a visit there?
L.G., Ludgershall
A. Most toy shops sell Sir Roy Strong-style false faces comprising glasses, nose and moustache. Why not make a purchase of a set of three false faces — costing only about £1.50 and request that your friends' children wear the false faces for the dura- tion of your visit? In this way the entire offending nose areas will be screened from your view.
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