No. 1329: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a statement from the 94-year-old Mr Molotov, who has just been readmitted to the Soviet Communist Party, announcing what he proposes to accomplish for his party and country.

Holidays, the heat and the silliness of the season combined to take their toll: entries were fewer and feebler than usual. The Russian Struldbrug's plans, as envisaged by you, were scarcely more startling and imaginative than the ones he is doubtless dully cogitating. There were gleams here and there amidst the competitive murk: 'I stand, with the help of this Co-operative- made walking-frame, for all I stood for in the past'; 'Let us have Socialism with a human buttock. Let us now promote softer things. Long live Art!'; 'Henceforth, the value of superannuation benefits will be related to the number of patriotic speeches delivered at official meetings of the Party. I shall speak again on this and other subjects tomorrow. . .' (D. B. Jenkinson, T. Grif- fiths and John O'Byrne). However, only five of you succeeded in being consistently amusing. £10 goes to each of those printed below, and Martin Fagg is awarded the bonus bottle of Champagne Jules Mignon Brut (NV), presented by Christopher Moorsom and Michael Alexander of the Chelsea Wharf Restaurant, Lots Rd, SW10 (351 0861).

From one already old in the service of the Party when few of you were born (and when even Comrade Stakhanov was a mere stripling!) fond collectivist greetings! 'But what more' (I hear you incredulously murmur) 'can he do for the Soviet ideal who has already done so much?' Interpreting your astonishment as a wholly merited tribute, I cry, 'Comrades, fear not! Molotov is not just indestructible — he is indefatigable as well!'

Yes, indeed. Where a lesser man would be content with the invention of my immortal Cocktail (the fiery symbol in all America's satellites of the struggle of the toiling masses against their masters — those running dog lackeys of imperialist capitalism who have tied themselves indissolubly to the apron strings of the fascist hyena!) I labour to perfect, in the service of Soviet diplomacy, a yet more memor- able beverage, Siberian Bitters — a dash of Angostura in an infinity of ice.

(Martin Fagg) I want to be able to pass on to less experienced Party members some small skills I have acquired in a life that has not been without incident. Teaching the young idea how to shoot, you might say; how to mix a decent cocktail. That sort of thing.

As for foreign affairs, well, I've seen them all. Roosevelt, Churchill and that revanchist with the cowlick and the funny moustache — his name temporarily escapes me. They said he was a wily negotiator. I never had any trouble with him. We saw eye to eye on Poland, for instance. Can that young puppy Gromyko say as much? (Charles Mosley)

Comrades, it is good to be back. And it is good to see youth at the helm. But we had a saying in Mongolia: 'Old goats have tough coats.' I was not idle during my sabbatical. I kept abreast of events by assiduous reading of Pravda. So first let me congratulate you on the final conquest of our economic and agricultural problems.

The ideological struggle outside our borders continues, however. Give me the foreign minis- try once more, comrades. Remember, it was who taught the West some Russian. No, com- rade, I do not mean 'cocktail', that bourgeois vulgarism: I refer to ',dee . Comrade Gromyko has earned his sabbatical. And I, while studying Pravda, formulated some fresh strategic initiatives: — I would establish a forward missile base in Cuba.

— 1 would expand south towards the Arabian Sea, perhaps through Afghanistan. — In Berlin I would build a great wall.. . (Noel Petty)

Fraternal greetings, comrades!

In the name of the glorious Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, I offer the following ser- vices: 1. To continue with the rigorous experimental medical programme, codename ELIXIR, to which I have been assigned, hence to present myself as a living revolutionary symbol in the significant year 2017. 2. To station myself and requisite medical attendants, as requested, for the newly- instituted Intourist ceremony of 'Shaking That Hand Once Touched By All Great Revolu- tionaries'.

3. To be the first nonagenarian cosmonaut.

4. To proffer historical advice on counter-anti- non-Soviet propaganda strategy.

5. To wear clothing advertising and endorsing more combustible cocktails.

6. To greet imperialist Reagan at airports, pat him on the head, and address him as 'young whippersnapper'. (Llewellin Berg)

The problems facing our country are due to one overriding factor: the advanced age of most of our leaders. It is time that youth, with its vigour, dynamism and openness to new ideas, was given a chance. I can be of service to my party and people in this regard.

To take the Praesidium as an example: the average age is 124.7. Two of the members are over 130, if not actually dead. At 94, I would be able to inject new energy and new concepts into the policy-making bodies of government, and I am willing to take over the leadership of the Young Komsomols. In the field of foreign policy, I would have much to contribute; I look forward to the future, not the past. If entrusted with responsibility for easing world tension, I would be willing to visit Berlin and have talks with von Ribbentrop