Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY I can't take much more of this. Even Daddy says I need a holiday and our family motto is 'Don't Make a Fuss' (it sounds better in Latin).
It's just unbearable, non-stop horridness. Every time we think we've got on top of it another Dipwig (Deeply Irrelevant Person With Grudge) comes crawling out of the woodwork to have a go at poor Dave. I wouldn't mind but they're all complete losers. At least DD has come out fighting for us. He's on a major military discipline metaphor high He addressed the morning strategy meeting and it was really exciting. Lot of talk about something called the Maginot Line and a v interesting slide show entitled 'From Static Defence to Penetrating Counter-offensive'. He was quite masterful. Made me think Dave would look nice with a bit of a wave in his hair. Maybe some grey.
Spent the afternoon working my way through the list of people we offered a peerage to then never coughed up. It's as long as your arm. I'm to sort them into 'Sour Grape Factor' ratings. The ones with the highest score are going to get invited round to Dave and Sam's for lasagne. Nigel says it's not much of a plan but it's all we've got.
TUESDAY Thank goodness the trip to Pakistan is off. With all the mutiny, I haven't had time to go shopping for Compassionate outfits suitable for hot weather. Drafted statement saying it was down to logistical reasons. This is not a lie. Being unable to arrange a single meeting with any of the Key Players because they haven't heard of the rebirth of Modern Conservatism is about as 'logistical' as it gets.
Jed called us into the Boaden room for a pep talk. As we filed in he was scrawling 'No more Mr Nicey-Nicey' across the white board.
Apparently the focus groups agree with Lord Saatchi. Dave is too nice. How could we have allowed this to happen?
We now have a 'Stop Being Nice' strategy. Nice policies are out. Nasty, ruthless policies are in! Only we can't think of any. Wonder if this is why Mr Howard was in the office earlier.
He looked more handsome than I remembered him I think it's the glasses. Maybe Dave should get glasses.
WEDNESDAY Lord A came up and spoke to me today. It was v strange. 'You see, Tamzin, reaching out to swing voters is very much like trying to seduce a beautiful woman. She may think you handsome, but she needs reassurance. . .
Was quite glad when the phone rang and the operator asked if I would accept the charges. I'm starting to enjoy my little chats with Bev from Labour. Told her all about our problems and she was really helpful. Said we should meet for a drink some time.
Just been watching the tapes of Gordo at Camp David again. He looked ever so manly. Maybe Dave should put on a bit of weight and wear slightly baggy suits. I think he should scowl a bit too. V sexy.
Everyone v nervous as DD taking over from next week. Officially Mr Hague is in charge but he's got a book tour, so he's too busy.
THURSDAY Woke up this morning and it suddenly hit me. I don't think I fancy Dave any more! This is the one thing I hadn't expected. What am I going to do?!
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