YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I am soon to be giving a fairly formal dinner party in London with black tie, elab- orate table settings and so on. I know these events can be fairly stuffy and wondered whether you have any tips for putting less socially experienced guests at their ease on such occasions.
S.B., London SW3
A. Get a friend with illegible handwriting to do the name-cards for the places d table. Using this method you will trigger laughter and hobnobbing among the guests as they attempt to decipher the hieroglyphs while you stay well out of the way in the pretence of attending to something in the kitchen.
Q. I have fallen in love with a much younger man with whom, for various rea- sons, I come into regular social and domes- tic contact. Neither of us is committed to anyone else and the relationship is very good insofar as we share the same tastes and humour, and he seems keen to see more of me than he would in the natural course of events, instigating extracurricular trips to cinemas etc. So far, however, there has been no attempt on his part to make a bid for physical intimacy. Without wishing to boast, I am fairly attractive. I think it has simply never occurred to him that I would welcome his advances. I am sure you would agree that it would be unseemly for me to
make such advances towards a younger man. Mary, how can I, without coming across as a pervert, delicately suggest to him that it is not out of the question that we could enjoy full bonding? The age dis- parity is ten years.
Name and address withheld
A. Tell your friend that you are considering embarking on analysis, 'just to see whether it has anything to offer me'. When he asks you how your first session went, reply casu- ally, but with your brow furrowed, 'Oh, I don't know what to make of it. For exam- ple, he seems to think I'm in love with you. .. . ' According to his reaction you can then either laugh with him about how bogus the analyst is, or allow his gaze to meet yours and his lips to fasten fully on.
Q. Twenty-nine months ago you successful- ly resolved a leggings problem. I'm now
faced by a new threat to sanity — Madam's new floral leggings which look like recycled chintz cushion covers reclaimed from a Kosovan jumble sale. The kindest of protests are met with tightly pursed lips. More robust remarks are met with verbal abuse about one being totally out of touch with today's fashion. (Is this me or Madam, though?) Many would advise that life is too short to worry about this. Where, then, can I buy a blindfold?
G.L-W., La Tour de Peilz, Switzerland
A. Leggings were only very briefly accept- able — and then only when worn by top physical specimens. The best way to curb your wife's rebelliousness is to drop your barbs about 'thcfemme fatale' and so on, so as to lull her into a false sense of security. Then quietly unpick the gusset of the leg- gings so that the slightest usage will result in a full rending asunder of the garment. Your wife will find that non-machine restitching will produce knobbling, and inevitably a low-grade irritation and chafing whenever the leggings are reworn. You should need to take no further action.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL
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