THE SHORT-LIST CLUB
By W. L. LAMB
TWELVE of us were crowded in a little ante-room. We were members of that select band of pedagogues, known as " short-list " men ; and we were competing for a headmastership.
I found myself in the company of a cheery group of optimists, who are inveterate advertisement watchers, and testimonial experts. Being such a tiro, I had imagined that we rival candidates would sit in watchful silence reckoning up each other's bad points. But not a bit of it. The party assembled as old friends. A. B. of Wales was on intimate terms with C. D. from Scotland, and E. F. of Kent groused in a friendly way with G. H. from London on the rise in the cost of printing testimonials.
To me, a timid one, these men seemed very much at home ; and the coincidence of friend meeting friend in this dismal spot was more than remarkable, until I realised that the majority of these strong nerved candidates were by this time almost professional- " short-list" men. They entered for every headship going in the country, and by reason of their excellent qualifications and well-worded testimonials, they were usually selected for the preliminary interview somewhere or other. As the little band lost a member, who passed away into the unknown regions of headship, so another came along like myself to fill the gap.
We were a club, and each member had• a handicap depending upon the number of unsuccessful interviews. A high handicap in no way quietened their humour, or lessened their hope. Being natural optimists, each knew that his time must come some day. Also, as it was pointed out to me, a high handicap man can add Geography to his list of subjects, since his knowledge of England (and trains) becomes very considerable.
And so I found myself a member of this cheery party. I listened eagerly to their conversation, and discovered that all knew far more about the school in which we were gathered than can be extracted from any Year-Book. They were also acquainted with the type of this particular Governing Body. More than that, they had a systematic classification of all Bodies. As far as I could gather Governing Bodies were Ponderous, Teetotal, Snappy and Zoological. It was difficult, according to the Short-list Club, to get to grips with the Zoological Body, since bird-like faces, or walrus expressions, concealed mystic notions almost impossible to fathom. The golden rule of assuming one of the orthodox roles of the game, such as being (a) the Jolly Schoolmaster, (b) the Parent Expert, (c) the Disciplinarian, (d) the Games Hearty, &c., with such a Body was dangerously apt to mis- carry. A twelve handicap man had apparently erred terribly by such misjudgement.
As might be imagined, this conversation somewhat alarmed me as I sat waiting to be called into the Board Room. The picture of The Body spread round a Table, and my ignorance of the rules of the game, played rather on my nerves. I wondered, in that vague fashion common in crises, how A. B., E. F., and G. H. could possibly argue so casually on the respective merits of the University sides.
At last I was called, and with an " over-the-top " bleakness I was precipitated into the presence of The Body. Out of a mist of faces I found my focus on the pink cheeks of a mild little man In gentlest tones he probed me ; and during the operation, the arms of the Body swayed and nodded their approbation. My courage returned, my vision cleared, and round the Board I noticed several comely lady members of the Body. An inspiration came, I must act the Jolly Schoolmaster. I beamed and settled down to convince this Body that I, and I alone, was the man they wanted to run this school with firmness tempered with Jollity.
The Body beamed too. I began to despise myself for being so apprehensive of such a genial Body. I returned to the Club feeling sorry that the other men had had such wasted journeys. And their handicaps had gone up as well.
They asked me searching questions, evidently trying to " place " the Body. But my answers were inexpert. And there was considerable difference of opinion on the correct classification of this particular Body. But, as each returned and added more expert opinions, the difficulty grew, and there was much contention. C. D., who was a " 7 " man, was convinced that the Body was on the whole Teetotal, and in fact, he said, he ran his interview most successfully on these lines.
It was only after the long final wait for the decision that this contentious matter was cleared up. For a little, ugly, sourish man (scratch handicap) was re-called.
The Shorr-List Club sat in deep thought. The silence was broken by C. D. from Scotland, who thumped his knee, and burst out : "0 mon, dinna ye ken, they needed an Oogly Mon. This is a dual school."
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