Country life
It can only get better
Leanda de Lisle
Idon't want to do 'Country life' any more. I want to do 'Californian life'. It's been raining for a month and I just can't take it any more. My elder son wants to be Tom Cruise when he grows up and I think that's a very sensible career choice. 'Go for it,' I tell him. I could be the perfect show biz mother from hell. The boy's father claims that, while I've never been to Cali- fornia, he has actually lived there and it's not as nice as I imagine. Well, I can see it's possible that it's not heaven on earth, but, I'm sorry, it's got to be better than any- where around here.
The rudest thing I've heard anyone say about California is that it's populated by air-heads and I'd find that conversation is something of a lost art. I'd love to know what kind of conversations they imagine I have in Leicestershire. It's not exactly Paris down in Market Bosworth. We chat, we don't converse. The nearest I might get to a discussion would be with Raja down at the store. We talk about the films coming out on video. It's special, of course, but not so special that Los Angeles film-school graduates couldn't manage it as well. Allied to the air-head phenomenon is the fear that one's children wouldn't be prop- erly educated. They would be too busy hav- ing fun. Well, indeed, we wouldn't want that. God forbid that my sons should cruise the valley, chatting up leggy blondes when they could be locked up with a bunch of spotty boys, studying some dead language. They might become multi-millionaire film stars, instead of something really interest- ing like a former Lloyd's name, or a rag roller. As it is, the next Tom Cruise is in a bit of trouble with his Latin master. It seems that, when it comes to his studies, `It's not that he can't, it's that he won't.'
It may be paranoia, but I'm sure the mas- ter looked at me in a 'You've told your son Latin is a waste of time' kind of way — and I haven't. I get charming letters from a taxi driver who is studying Latin in the Aus- tralian outback. He hasn't asked me what I think of that, but if he did I'd tell him I'm sure he'll get a lot out of it. Mind you, I think he would get a lot out of learning Russian and nobody has made that com- pulsory at prep school. Latin may be the basis of a number of European languages, but it has a unique ability to put children off learning them. If swots like Ian Hislop would shut up about how marvellous it is, it might lose its special place in the heart of the educational establishment and my son might be keen to learn Spanish — if only so that he will be able to talk to his Beverly Hills gardener.
Our gardener is having a hell of a time with this rain. I must have spent 20 minutes washing the slugs off one lettuce yesterday. Forget about genetic modification and mutation, you haven't seen a monster slug until you've started growing organic salad in a wet garden. They are huge. I swore that if I found one on my plate I would never eat pesticide-free greenery again. The lack of sun has kept the strawberries white and green, but we have to eat them now or they will start to rot. If I rack my brains for something nice to say about our weather, I suppose it does at least enable us to grow better grass than they do in Cal- ifornia. Not the smoking kind, I mean our soft, lush green lawns. If the sun comes out they might make me want to stay in Eng- land for a little while longer.
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