YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I make donations to my local church by bank credit transfer under a deed of covenant. This is tax-efficient, meaning I can ultimately give more, and saves me a scramble before I leave the house each Sunday trying to find the right money for the collection plate. Can you tell me what the form is for people in my situation when the collection plate comes round? I nor- mally smile inanely and pass it on, but the congregation is quite large and I don't know many of its members so I am con- stantly receiving disapproving looks if I pass it on without making a contribution. I had thought of dropping in some small coin as the plate went past, but as nearly every- one else uses the envelope system, my con- spicuously paltry contribution lying on top of a heap of envelopes would look even worse than if I had faced it out and put in nothing at all. Short of wearing a badge saying, 'I've already given', what can I do?
E.A.S., St Alban's, Hens A. I suggest that you select your pew so that the maximum money mountain has accu- mulated before the plate is proffered to you personally. You can then take advantage of the trompe l'oeil effect, which can be perpe-
trated by anyone taking money out of a plate when onlookers are expecting money to be put in. Simply take a pound out each week as the plate comes your way and put the money into your pocket. You can exploit this well-established optical illusion with impunity by first increasing the amount you give by bank credit transfer each year by £52. In this way you can actu- ally look forward to collection time in church as you can use the occasion as a handy way of ensuring you have enough change to buy yourself a bag of sweets on the way home.
Q. In preparation for our first baby my hus- band and I attended some helpful 'parent- craft' classes, but as a result I now find
myself at the mercy of women with whom I have nothing in common — apart from imminent parturition — ringing me up and inviting me out or themselves round. My husband and I are perfectly satisfied with our circle of friends and our social life, and would appreciate advice on how to fend off these unwanted overtures without rudeness (or resorting to ignoring answerphone mes- sages). After the baby arrives, the problem is likely to be exacerbated, with everyone assuming I will enjoy endless cups of tea and conversational vanities about infant care.
C.J.H., Hauxton, Cambridge A. You can respond to these overtures in a friendly but self-pitying manner, and explain that you are suffering from a new syndrome called PNM — Pre-Natal Misan- thropy. Say that your GP doesn't know much about it as it has only recently been identified, but he has told you not to worry about it as it will pass when your baby is about four months old. By then your new would-be friends will have lost interest in pursuing a relationship.
Mary Killen
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