YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I live in France. My English-speaking friends do not, in the main, come from the same social background as me. Whilst this is often interesting, it can also be awkward! I have a dear friend, a working-class North- erner, who is mainly interested in doing up her house. She recently showed me a book of handicrafts which had captivated her attention. It gave instructions on mak- ing all manner of rather ugly and vulgar household adornments. One photograph showed a particularly frightful pattern for elaborate net curtains. She had sewn a small sample of this method (evidently a laborious one) and was unfortunately very pleased with the result. It is the curtain equivalent of crinoline ladies covering loo-rolls and she intends to swathe her house with lots more. I should be grateful for your advice on how I should best answer her frequent requests for my opin- ion, with disregard for either integrity or her feelings.
L.W.A., South of France A. You could stem the tide of solicitations once and for all by replying, 'Actually there's no point in asking me what I think because some people think I have rather bad taste. So the fact that I don't like it is probably a very good sign.'
Q. A widower friend of mine was recently being entertained by an amiable lady friend at her home for a meal and evening a deux, during which he found himself in a minor dilemma. Having served the pre-meal drinks and left the room for a few minutes, the lady reappeared unaware that the rear hem of her skirt was caught up in her knickers, in which disarray she spent the remainder of the evening. We wonder whether in such circumstances it would be less embarrassing for a lady to be told at once, or left in ignorance until discovery after the evening was over. G.E.R., Upper Malone Road, Belfast A. Ideally your friend would have got hold of a safety pin from some sort of container about the house. He could then have barged clumsily past his hostess, shouting suddenly from behind her, 'Hang on a minute. Don't move!' Explaining that a safety pin sticking out of his jacket had snagged in her skirt, he could then have quickly wrenched the trapped skirting from its prison, a movement which would perfectly simulate the action of a snagged safety pin being released. This trick can even be performed without the aid of a safety pin, as safety pins are notorious for disappearing into thin air when dropped.
Q. What is the correct attitude to adopt when the topic of the recent Pride and Preju- dice television series comes up at cocktail and dinner parties? I am nearly distraught as I have no critical faculty whatsoever and absolutely no knowledge of the original text.
A.B, London W8.
A. It is entirely incorrect to continue dis- cussing this production. Instead you should turn your attention immediately to Jane Austen's Emma, which will soon be on our screens, so that second time round you are not caught with your pants down.
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