Low life
Steamy weather
Jeffrey Bernard
Esince Russell Square and JerrnYn, .11–:d Street ran out of steam I've despaired of ever getting a Turkish bath again. I much prefer them to saunas which I find claustrophobic and akin to a punishment box in which you sweat it out metaphorical- ly, so to speak, as well as physically. The Turkish bath is, by comparison, spacious. It's also nicely social. You can walk about and have a chat and all sorts of odd balls loom up in the steam. To my surprise and delight our friendly Spectator publican' Dave, introduced me to a steam bath PSI the other day; it must be one of the very fe°, left in this clapped-out city (name and ad" dress withheld for fear of tourist invasion)' But what a pleasant afternoon I had and in the best of company. As soon as I'd un' dressed and left the locker room I was in- troduced to some very stalwart men wil° Iwere lolling about and melting in the steam room. 'This is Jeff. I'd like you to meet Freddie. Freddie's one of the most suc- cessful bank robbers in the country. This is Jim. Jim's just come out after a seven stretch and here's Tom. He's got a spieler in the Commercial Road.' What a jolly bunch they were and the only one who wasn't smiling was Solly a 70-year-old taxi driver Who was staring mournfully at his prick and Intoning: 'We were born together. We grew UP together. We got married together. Why oh why did you have to die before me?'
The surprise of the afternoon was the pic- nic they produced in the locker room. Ice- cold lager, vodka, cold chicken, grouse or What you would and then back to the steam and in and out of the cold plunge. After that, a fairly ancient man with fingers of steel gave me an excellent massage which really toned up the cupboard I live in. Just as I was about to get off the slab he sur- prised me by pouring shampoo on my nut and giving my scalp a massage. Then he hosed me down. I haven't felt so good since Enlperey won the Derby. In fact I felt five Years younger, which brought me down to about 70. I think I'll go regularly from now on and for all that it's a snip for a fiver. It's also quite safe for me to visit Turkish baths now that I've lost my looks. In my pugilistic clays, in the days when I could look a clock that was saying 11 o'clock in the face Without breaking into a brisk trot to the nearest pub then I had to repel quite a few would-be boarders. Yes, the sign of being over the hill isn't policemen getting younger bought far as I'm concerned it's not being °Ought drinks by rich queens; the last time someone tried to drown me on the strength of Illy being a pretty face must be 20 years O. The journey to the grave is studded , with injuries to one's vanity.
Yes, for my money — and that's a joke
the Turkish variety beats the Swedish one hands down. And saunas can be dangerous. A very well known friend of mine (Name witheld. Birds still pining. Ad- dress Heaven) got into the habit of indulg- ing in sexual intercourse in a sauna in a Private house. I caught him at it one day and showed him the yellow card but he Would persist. Ten days later he had a heart attack and dropped dead in the street. Sex at 100 degrees and more Fahrenheit just isn't on and it's a pity, considering the c!nnates of their respective countries, that Khomeini, Amin and Gaddafi don't screw themselves to death.
But there'll never be another Jermyn Street. When the jockeys used to use it to take off pounds after the races and after a session in Jules Bar then that was a night on the tiles. And the stories you heard, never mind the tips. But the Russell Square establishment was the best one for a night's ,K1P which is exactly what I used it for when I was on the bum. At 10/- a night it was the cheapest hotel in London and I was the cleanest man in London. And, as I said, I 1 w., as pretty good at getting ten bobs in those rYs. Next week's steam bath will have to be Paid for by the sweat of this old brow.
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