Television
Recycled
Richard Ingrams
Returning home after a few days in sleepy Ireland I am struck, as always, by the facts (a) that I have missed nothing while I have been away and (b) that there is nothing of any merit waiting to be watched now that I am back. I thought this year the schedules for Bank Holiday Monday reached a new low. There wasn't a single programme on offer that a person of even below average intelligence would want to watch let alone anything that a discerning critic could write about in what Kingsley Amis has generously described as 'a fairly entertaining magazine'. There seemed nothing for it but to get outside and make preparations for the winter that will soon be with us.
One of my greatest pleasures in recent weeks has been operating a device called a Briketpresse which converts old newspapers into combustible blocks. All you do is soak your old Daily Telegraphs, or Spectators in a plastic dustbin overnight and then com- press the black squishy pulp into the Bricketpresse, squeeze the water out and hey presto you have a neat rectangular brick about the size of an Irish block of peat which after a few days drying in the sun is ready to burn.
I had been waiting for the onset of autumn before saying anything in public about my new cottage industry, until, that is, I had seen whether they actually did burn as the manufacturers said they would. I can now report that I have seen the future and it works. The bricks do not as you might ex- pect burst into flames, they simmer quietly away rather like peat, giving off a fair amount of heat. Whether it amounts to 4,150 Kcal/kg, as the manufacturers claim, I am not enough of a scientist to say.
The satisfaction you get out of this activi- ty has nothing really to do with economics, although there is an obvious financial ad- vantage when coal costs about £90 a ton, in getting a supply of fuel for nothing. The real pleasure comes from putting newspapers — trashy, dirty, overpriced things — to a useful purpose. Until you have done it, you have no idea what fun it is to crumple up a copy of Lord Matthews's Daily Express, plunge it into water with a fork and reduce it to pulp in the knowledge that the following day it will be on its way to becoming an economical fuel.
I just keep wishing that there was some similar way in which television programmes could be recycled and put to good use. The nearest I can get to it is ripping up a copy of the Radio Times and soaking it; though you have to be careful here as the shiny advertis- ing pages will not disintegrate in the water and have to be disposed of separately. Then there is all the publicity bumf that the BBC puts out which breaks up quite well, and which printed wastefully on one side only also makes quite good notepaper (in fact this article was originally drafted on it).
But there is really no beneficial side- effect that you can derive from your televi- sion set that would be like the newspaper bricks. The best thing you can do is to get rid of it altogether. If you have a colour television set this would mean an annual saving of £50, more than enough to invest in a Briketpresse which comes at the slightly exorbitant price of £32.38 (inc VAT).
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