A calendar for 1989 by Posy Simmonds
Pity CLIVE TROuiL,k, (37), August's MAN OF THE MONTH —.who has promised that he will re-lay and replace the cork thes in the utility room , (loosened by Et.Washing machine flood), whilst his
wile and children are at Sainsbury's
... a man who hasjust spent an hour in SLOW MOTION, before a mirror, propped on a wheel barrow, in his brown backgarden . where the reflection of the top of his MAGNIFICENT back SWing has Fuelled him with a posit- ively PLUTONIC OPTIMISM...
...a man who has, subsequent- ly, SLICED a real shot straight into next door's conservatory.
ThIS man IS an ADDICT.... whose obsessive habit occupies his every waking hour and is a threat to both his health and his marriage: CLIVE TROUTLEY is a COMPULSIVE
GOLFER
AS a case CLIVE SWATS an, the side-effects of SERIOUS ADDICTION • Tension andanxiety caused by Constantly playing TOPPED BALLS, DUCK HOOKS, SLICES into the, ungle and DUFF APPROACH SHOTS.
• Stress, caused by pretending his handicap is 12, when it is really 22.
• Stress caused by playing the local course, (Par 72), where his Fantasies of a round in the SO'S are always cruelly shattered.
• Violent mood-swings ,when the 'high, of a decent-Ish wedge Shot is occluded by a muffed putt.
• Self-disgust and the urgent need to re-live the humiliations Of a tournament before the glazed and unsympathetic eye of his wife.
• The need to slope off from the office in the lunch hour, to concentrate on his in-to-out path at GOLF CITY.
▪ Reckless expenditure on
ever better and grander equip- ment - cavity-backed clubs, personalised golf umbrella, chipping net and Fur wood Covers taking precedence over the car's new gear box .
This man is sicK.Ife needs serious, PROFESSIONAL HELP....
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