COMPETITION

Lear improved

Jaspistos

IN Competition No. 1500 you were invited to provide new limericks beginning with two opening lines from one of Lear's.

Our glorious 1500th Competition drew a glorious and rich response numbering liter- ally hundreds of limericks, most of them, in my view, improvements. My only dis- appointment was the tendency to mis- quote. For those who are in need of a handy Nonsense Verse of Edward Lear and who aren't indissolubly wedded to Lear's own drawings, I recommend a paperback with the above title, with illustrations by John Vernon Lord (Methuen, £5.95). Judging was hell, even, or especially, with the help of a friend. Eventually I decided that if winners were to be represented by only one entry and if the two opening lines were never duplicated, justice would be roughly done. So here are the winners,

each of whom pockets a pound a line. The bonus bottle of Champagne Palmer Vin- tage 1979, presented by Marie-Pierre Palmer-Bdcret, is happily awarded to J. Hennigan, even if I can't explain why. As Falstaff said, 'If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.'

There was an old lady of France, Who taught little ducklings to dance, But they grew far too lean For la plus haute cuisine, So now they're the plumes of her tantes.

(J. Hennigan) There was an old man of Corfu, Who never knew what he should do Should his island submerge In the holiday surge And vanish completely from view.

(Kathleen Higgs) There was a young person of Smyrna, Whose grandmother threatened to burn her.

Shrieked the hag, 'There are lots Of rich Greeks with fine yachts -

Why can't you be a nice little earner?'

(D. B. Jenkinson) There was an old man of Thermopylae, Who never did anything properly.

He drank Graves with red meat,

Wore his gloves on his feet,

And called out 'Checkmate!' at Monopoly.

(C. J. D. Doyle) There was an old man of Hong Kong, Who never did anything wrong. His life was so good He was misunderstood, Which happens to God all along.

(Benjamin Hugh) There was an old man with a beard, Who said, 'It is just as I feared! - My sandals are worn, My caftan is torn, I'm no longer a trendy — just weird.' (Jim Sebastian) There was an old man of Peru, Who watched his wife making a stew.

Like a fool he said, 'Sweet, Should you put in more meat?' In a flash she was cooking him too.

(Hazel Stanley) There was a young lady of Lucca, Whose lovers completely forsook her.

'Oh, what can it be?'

She cried. 'Is it me?

Or is it perhaps my verruca?' (Brendraj Blanik) There was an old person of Jodd, Whose ways were perplexing and odd. She stood on a box In the Park, in odd socks, And proclaimed to the world she loved God.

(Katie Mallett) There was an old man of Dundee, Who frequented the top of a tree.

He had lots of ripe figs To impale on the twigs In case anyone dropped up for tea.

(N. E. Soret) There was a young lady of Bute, Who played on a silver-gilt flute, But she hadn't the ear For a concert career, So her tunes were a trivial pursuit. (0. Smith) There was an old man with a gong, Who bumped at it all the day long.

To be brutally frank, Even J. Arthur Rank Knew to gong-bong too long was all wrong. (Chas F. Garvey) There was an old man of Melrose, Who Walked on the tips of his toes.

When people asked why, He replied with a sigh, `For the sake of the rhyme, I suppose.' (David Cram) There was a young lady of Portugal, Whose ideas were excessively nautical; So she soon stowed away And was safe for a day Till a sailor appeared and said, 'Caught you, gal!'

(Mary Holtby) There was an old man of Girgenti, Who lived in profusion and plenty.

On his sausage and m.

He poured Chateau d'Yquem, Distressing the club's cognoscenti.

(B. J. Kennedy) There was an old man at a junction, Whose feelings were wrung with compunction.

A ride on a horse Left him ill with remorse, And furs could deprive him of function.

(M. R. Macintyre)