YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. Last year, a woman friend leaving for town agreed to a neighbour's request for a lift as she was rushing for an appointment. My friend, an unreformable Antipodean, almost immediately lit up, as was her wont. Her passenger fluttered her fingers disap- provingly and said, 'Oh, no smoking please.' Now, Mary, I know what my response would have been, but my friend was properly brought up and compliantly stubbed out the cigarette. However, it still rankles. What should her response have been?
A.C., Galway, Ireland.
A. She should have continued to blow out plumes of smoke while laughing good- naturedly, then say, 'Do you know, I was concentrating on the road just then and I thought for a moment you'd said, Don't smoke. And I thought, Oh no, she's telling me I can't smoke in my own car when I'm giving her a lift and I can't do this journey without my fags and I'll have to drop her at a bus stop and it's all going to be so embar- rassing. But then, phew! Of course, I realised you'd just been saying you didn't smoke yourself! So, no problem after all.'
Q. A friend of mine has written a hilarious- ly funny book. So far he has had only two small reviews which he fears will have been
Dear Mary.. .
barely noticed, having been swallowed up in the tidal wave of Christmas Books. He is frustrated by the knowledge that one of the country's foremost humorists has been commissioned to do a 1,000-word review for an important weekly, the appearance of which would ensure the book's success, but insider knowledge tells him that she will need a whip cracked over her to get her review done in time for Christmas sales. Meanwhile the literary editor in question is unlikely to crack the whip. He always loves it if a reviewer fails to deliver since he has too much to cram into his pages anyway. How can I, who have no part in the literary world and no influence, help to speed things forward?
B.L., Aldeburgh, Suffolk.
A. Let's say the reviewer is called Cathy Cackle. Wait until the lunch hour, then ring the literary editor in question. Leave a message saying, 'This is Cathy Cackle's secretary. Could you ring Cathy urgently about the review she's doing?' Then wait till Cathy Cackle is out at lunch and leave a message for her, asking her to ring the literary editor urgently about the review she is doing. What does it matter if they ring each other up saying, 'You rang me', `No, you rang me'? The end result of your twin-pronged attack will almost certainly be that the review appears in time for Christmas.
Q. You recommended in your issue of 21 November some tinned sweets made by Churchill's as an ideal present for children due to their costing only £4.50 and being very beautiful. Which particular sweets were you referring to, as I saw some rather common-looking ones when I went to enquire?
S.B., Wedhampton, A. The tins in question are from Churchill's ecology range and are called `The Ark' and Nature's Friends'. They are definitely uncommon in both senses of the word and a number of bulk purchases have already been made by some of our leading taste brokers. Enquiries to 0181 207 1234.
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