1066-And-Alt-That Intelligence

A prize of six guineas was offered for an item or items of imaginary Spectator-type intelligence on any pre-1900 topics or events.

I arvt bound to admit that the entries for this competition create the impression that some com- petitors do not read any part of their Spectator other than the competition page—one or two, indeed, suggested that even the reading of that is rather cursory. I should have thought that the snippets of conflicting information on the topics of the day, which have appeared for some time in odd places in the front half of the paper, would not have gone unnoticed. I regret that the offenders—those who did not, as asked, provide something of this nature applicable to some period before 1900—included one name of al- most legendary significance among us dilettantes of light prose and verse!

Of those who did catch on to what was re- quired, a number appeared to think that because I specified 'pre-1900' I meant the nineteenth cen- tury; accordingly there was rather a preponder- ance of Gladstone. the Prince Consort, Welling- ton, Nelson and Florence Nightingale. Extracts tended to be on the long side and, brevity being the soul of wit, rather dull in consequence. There was also too great a reliance on such intention- ally contradictory versions of an incident as might be expected, for example, from opposing sides in a conflict. One of the more original entries came from D. L. L. Clarke, dealing with the mythological deeds of Icarus and Daedalus. H. A. C. Evans and the Rev. R. Y. Holmes both disputed the unamusedness of Queen Victoria —her lack of amusement was in each case claimed by The Times.

Under the heading of 'Bertie Intelligence,' Christopher Driver reported on Prince Albert Edward at the theatre ; 'The Prince of Wales,

who has a good ear for music, listened atten- tively to the new musical comedy at the Gaiety last night' (Morning Post) . . . 'His Royal High- ness, who is not musical, had ears for nothing and eyes only for the chorus' (P-11 M-ll Gazette).

J. P. Mullarky was brief but to the point on the question of York v. Lancaster : 'Wars of the Roses' (The Times) . . . 'Battle of Flowers for Britain' (Woman) . . . 'Colour Question Divides the Country' (Manchester Guardian).

R. Kennard Davis gave us an alternative ver- sion of King Alfred's cake-burning to that of

the prizewinning Miss Adams : . . During his sojourn at Athelney, he delighted his hostess with an exhibition of skilful cake-making' (Western Chronicle) . . . "'Them wus arl brunt ter zin- ders," Mrs. Guthrum told our reporter; "Us had ter give they tew the pigs"' (Somerset Weekly Dragon).

These, together with J. E. Cherry, Russell Edwards, G. J. Blundell, Dan Hazelwood and Adrienne Gascoigne, are commended. I suggest prizes of a guinea and a half to Areas and William Anthony, and of a guinea each to Douglas Haw- son, Elizabeth Adams and Colin Shaw.

PRIZES (AkcAs)

Military Intelligence

VICTORIOUS IOUS ENGAGEMENT.

That intrepid veteran, the Duke of York, with 10,000 men, by a brilliant surprise action, occupied an eminence commanding the enemy's position. Finding the heights untenable, he extricated his forces with consummate skill, and returned un- molested to his base. . . . This encouraging suc- cess . . .—Daily Distress.

ANOTHER COSTLY FIASCO! ! !

Duke leads 15,000 men into enemy trap! Daily Help.

DUKE'S GALLANT FIVE THOUSAND! —Daily Mews.

WHEN the Duke's forces, estimated at 20,000, reached their objective, they were on the top of the hill; after their successful withdrawal, they were at its base; but there was an intervening period at which they were neither completely in the heights nor yet securely ensconced below the declivity.—(Eye- witness account by The Times Special Corre- spondent.) ALWAYS ON TOP! ! —Daily Optimist.

(WILLIAM ANIIiONY) Forbidden Tree Intelligence

• • . OUR duty to reveal the whole sordid, intimate story of the expulsion of the unmarried couple who disobeyed the Park RegUlations in a most flagrant manner.—Daily Harp.

THEY rightly turned their backs on the so-called Pleasure' Gardens, and walked out in protest after making their brave stand for Higher Education.

Trident.

• • . A PERSONAL triumph for the Serpentine Order. Through our moral influence we have a decisive role to play in world affairs.—Creepers Chronicle.

(DOUGLAS HAWSON) Noah's Ark Intelligence

Two of every species were admitted.

Manchester Guardian.

Two underdogs were turned back at the gangway.

Daily Worker, ACCOMMODATION for the elephants was noticeably more spacious than for some others.—Daily Herald.

Two rabbits quickly caused embarrassment by be- coming ten.—Daily Mirror.

(ELIZABETH ADAMS) Burnt Cake Intelligence

THE KING, who is staying with friends in the country, was slightly burnt whilst helping his hostess hake a cake for tea.—Wessex Gazette.

WE LEARN that our versatile King, now resting in the country, has a new hobby : cooking. His recipe for Cinder Cake is given on page four.

Saxon Woman's Home.

THE DEFEATED King, now working as a cook some- where in Wessex, set fire to his master's house whilst attempting to make a cake.—Viking Evening Star.

(coLIN SHAW) Cloak Intelligence A SMALL puddle.—Daily Telegraph.

AN OVERNIGHT accumulation of rainwater.

The Times.

Six INCHES of mud.—Daily Sketch.

A LARGE pool of mud.—Daily Mirror. A BROWN cloak.—Daily Herald.

GREEN.—Yorkshire Post. M AGENT A:—Daily Express. SIR WALTER said it was his best.—Daily Sketch. 'UNFORTUNATELY not my best.'—The Times.

HER MAJESTY said 'Thank you.'—Daily Mirror.

HER MAJESTY stopped to talk to Sir Walter after-

wards.—Daily Express, page one.

HER MAJESTY only smiled.—Daily Telegraph. 'I Doom- if Her Majesty noticed who it was.'

Daily Express. page three. NOT a smoker.—Daily Herald.

A MODERATE smoker.—News Chronicle.

TM AFRAID I smoke rather too much.'—Daily Mail.

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 386 Set by Blossom

Somewhere in the Arabian deserts there must he another Omar Khayyam reflecting on Middle Eastern events of the past twelve months. On his behalf, competitors are invited to provide a dozen lines of epigrammatic comment in the style of the Rubaiyat. Prize: six guineas.

Entries, addressed 'Spectator Competition No. 386,' 99 Gower Street, London, WCI, by July 16. Results on July 26.