If symptoms persist. . .
I TRUST IT IS by now evident that I favour the utmost economy in the public service, which is why I heartily applaud- ed the recent decision of the hospital management to replace our staff canteen with a vending machine. No longer will we — the doctors — have to suffer at lunchtime the agony of watching the can- teen staff wade through invisible treacle to record our orders, produce food, take money and deliver change in ergonomi- cally the least efficient fashion known to man. From now on we shall deal with an utterly reliable, clean and practical machine of polished stainless steel and glass.
Of course, there have been one or two teething problems. The machine has been placed in the former canteen; to prevent patients or other unauthorised persons from vandalising it, a combina- tion lock has been installed in the door. A circular was sent to inform us of the combination number by which to gain entry (4 and 6 pressed together, followed by 8), and we were asked to destroy the circular once we had memorised it. One wouldn't wish it to fall into the wrong hands. My secretary and I went last week to try out the new machine. I pressed the numbers into the combination lock and then nearly broke my wrist on the immovable door handle. I tried again: same result, or lack of it.
A third time and, wonder of wonders, the door opened before I had time even to try it. It was opened by a member of the old canteen staff, lurking in her old haunt still, who heard my curses when the door did not open as it should have done.
`I'm sorry, doctor,' she said. tut they sent you the wrong number in the circu- lar. They're sending out the right one soon.' Until then, she would be on duty to let in the misled customers. How emblematic, I thought, of our economic decline: we spend money on machines but continue to employ the labour they are supposed to replace.
My secretary and I approached the vending machine with due reverence. There was a choice of about 30 items, from sandwiches and apples to packets of crisps and whole meals to be reheated and made soggy in the microwave (use of which was free of charge). There was but one problem with extracting food from the machine, which was that it accepted only the correct change. In this, it was perfectly pitiless: not a penny more would it take, and certainly not a penny less. Most of the items cost sums such as 23, 47 or 89 pence. A member of staff who had come for a sandwich ended up with an apple, because that was the only item whose cost fitted her supply of change.
These problems will no doubt soon be overcome. I have every confidence in our excellent catering manager. This morn- ing, we all received another circular from him:
I have organised a training session for any- one wishing to be instructed on how to operate the new Vending Machine located in the old canteen.
Theodore Dalrymple
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