Home life

Nicked

Alice Thomas Ellis

One of our neighbours was burgled again the other day. People who've been burgled once always seem to be burgled again. One of my friends grew rather offended when on three occasions thieves scorned to take the candelabra from her dining room table. She began to wonder what the professional eye could see that she couldn't. The neighbour's burglars arrived at tea time when he was sitting quietly in his study and his little girl was playing the piano in the basement and eating Marmite sandwiches. The King Charles spaniel, Ben, went woof woof, or rather, as my neighbour supposed, wolf wolf, since he's always doing it, but then he heard footsteps in the room above and going up to investigate he noticed a col- ossal policeman attempting to kick in the back door, screaming, 'Let me in, he's getting away.' Somewhat bemused, the neighbour complied and there followed a very thrilling few moments. The neigh- bourhood children spent a blissful evening when CID arrived with a case full of fingerprint powder, the daughter resolute- ly refusing to come home for her French lesson. It was just as though the cast of a TV cops and robbers had emerged from the set for their personal delectation. The robbers in question got away but not before one of them had left what is delicately known as his 'calling card' on the bedroom carpet. I can never understand

this particular manifestation of criminal

behaviour because you'd think if you had a quick get-away in mind the last place you'd

want your trousers to be was round your

ankles. The neighbour saved it as evidence but the police said people always did that and what were they suppposed to learn from it, and the neighbour said the bur- glar's last meal had clearly consisted of sweetcorn if that was any help. Goodness how disgusting. Many years ago I caught a burglar. He was only seven and when I collared him he

burst into tears so I wiped his nose and

gave him a Marmite sandwich and ever since then he's been one of the family. working in the office, standing godfather to the daughter and bringing the house back into shape when it gets right out of control.

Fate plays some funny tricks since not only

is he one of the most efficient people I've ever known but he makes me laugh and I don't quite see what we'd have done

without him. He and his Mum recently moved into a new flat with the dog, who is called Sally. They met the lady next door who is also called Sally and who kindly offered to take Alfred to show him the best places to shop. He took the dog too and every so often he said, 'Sit, Sally, you silly bitch!' and things like that, which led to a great deal of misunderstanding until he realised the confusion of nomenclature and explained. He was here one day looking out of the window at the rain when a girl shot in through the gate and crouched down between the hortensia and the dust- bin. 'There's a girl out there with a bag full of jewels,' he observed nonchalantly. As he spoke, two men tore past, looking to right and left. I don't know why but in

cases like this one's instincts seem to run in favour of the fugitive. It was pouring with rain, she was shaking like a jelly so we brought her in, gave her a cup of tea and put her a few questions. It transpired that she and two friends (both men) had just

relieved a local furniture shop of some crystal chandeliers, which explained the jewels. They had been apprehended by the shop assistants and the men had fled leaving her to carry the can or rather, the swag. We said, tsk tsk that was very naughty, wasn't it, and she must promise never to do it again, but we'd overlook it this time — which was pretty reprehensi- ble, I suppose, since they weren't our crystal chandeliers (this is known as the Lord Longford syndrome — forgiving someone for what they've done to some- one other than yourself) — and she said

fervently that she wasn't ever going to do it again because the rotten sods.had dropped

her in it and she'd never been so frightened in her life. When she'd gone we had a bit of trouble with our consciences, but it got worse because an hour or so later one of her confederates turned up at the door, glowing with gratitude and laden with pound notes which he attempted to press on us. We protested that it had really been no trouble at all and we couldn't possibly accept anything but he said he wanted to

make the children a little present, and the children, who were much too young to entertain any sophisticated reservations• about the fruits of sin, grabbed it gladly. Looking back I suppose I should have taken it off them and put it in the poor box in the church, but by that time I was exhausted. Come to think of it I'm not at all sure I ever confessed it, so I'd better go and do that now.