DIARY OF A NOTTING HILL NOBODY
MONDAY A few loose ends I’m still trying to get to the bottom of: 1) If Damian was running the mole — and there’s no evidence to suggest he was but let’s just say he might have been — then who was running Damian? Wonky Tom says it’s Mrs Damian, the nice lawyer lady. Possible the whole idea was Damian’s I suppose, but seems v unlikely.
2) Was I involved in the leaks and if I was, have I done anything wrong? This is tricky. Been racking brains and do remember Mr G once asking me to pass someone something in a brown envelope. But I didn’t look inside so I can’t be involved, can I? Ethically speaking, this can be no different than all the other stuff I’d no idea I’d done until someone told me later, can it?
3) What’s the difference between a mole and a whistleblower? Do whistleblowers blow the whistle on moles, or vice versa? (Obviously moles can’t actually blow whistles.) 4) Why is the sergeant-at-arms calling himself Ms all of a sudden? Is there perhaps a bigger story here that we have all been overlooking?!
TUESDAY Some more questions: why is Harriet Harperson on our side? And who leaked her views on the leaks? Was it a whistleblower? Or a mole? Was it our mole? If it was, is this kind of leaking legal? If Labour leaked it, surely we must leak this as a matter of urgency!?
One thing’s for sure, could have done without a U-turn on spending cuts this week. Didn’t find out until Gary caught me on the phone to a journalist briefing that we were going to have a bonfire of the quangocracies. Got a terrible dressing down. ‘For f***’s sake, Tamzin, wake up! Spending cuts was last week! This is fast-moving stuff gel!’ I can see that. He’s got it in for me now. Made me do the daily call to Damian. Asked him how he was and he told me to tell someone called Jackdaw that ‘the migrating swans are late home this year’. I hope the police aren’t listening in, they’ll take him away in a straitjacket.
WEDNESDAY Doreen just rang in a terrible state. Wanted to know if there’s anything we can do to help DD. He’s up at dawn every day, dressed and waiting by the door with a packed lunch and a sensory deprivation survival kit. ‘But they never come. Why don’t they ever come?’ I told her we were stretched to capacity with Molegate but would do what we could. In my view we have a duty of care to any former shadow home secretary who’s breaking obscure by-laws in a desperate attempt to get himself arrested. Wonder if it might be an idea to hire a kissogram. We could ask for someone dressed as a policeman to go to the house at 5 a.m and ask him a few questions. So long as he didn’t do a strip it could work. Can’t do any harm.
THURSDAY V exciting. Jed just chaired an emergency meeting on the squawkbox from California.
We’re going to hold a full-scale internal inquiry into the leaking of our leaks and other subsequent leaks about the leaking of our leaks of their leaks. What I’m not entirely sure about is whether we are meant to leak this. Maybe I should leak it anyway to be on the safe side. So long as I don’t run the risk of someone leaking that I leaked if it wasn’t meant to be leaked...
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