Fogspeak

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1764 you were in- vited to supply an extract from an inter- view with a politician or statesman in which the interviewer doggedly but unsuccessful- ly attempts to get a straight answer to a straight question.

There were some real curiosities this week. David Heaton's questions and answers were drawn entirely from Hop- kins' The Leaden Echo' and The Golden Echo'. Roger Jeffreys and Curt Sampson did it in blank verse — Claudius and Casca fogspeaking about their parts in two famous murders. Perhaps the trickiest pos- er came from Fergus Porter's interviewer: 'The question remains, Minister, do you still say that when you made the appoint- ment you did not know you had appointed your brother?' 'Yes, that's what I'm saying. It came as a complete surprise when my mother telephoned me that after- noon, just before she died.'

Commendations to Noel Petty and Oliv- er Knox ('Timetabling here is a highly sensitive point, socially, economically, politically. But let me again state categor- ically . . .'). The prizewinners, printed below, take £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to Chris Tingley.

Interviewer: Isn't it clear, Minister, that Britain's sending hamsters illegally to Nullibia? Minister: You know, hamsters breed very quick- ly. Most are born en route.

I: But we're still sending hamsters.

M: The legal consensus is that hamsters born 011 a British ship outside British waters are not British hamsters. As stateless animals, they are not our strict — or indeed legitimate — concern. 1: But we sent the original 'British' ones, didn't we?

M: Given the practical impossibility of on-board

segregation, responsibility for identifying British banisters lies with the Nullibians under the Principle of Caveat Receptor.

1: But if 'original' hamsters — albeit unidentifi- able — arrive, then isn't Britain sending ham- sters?

M: Frankly, the country elected us to cut taxes, not to pursue notional hamsters.

(Chris Tingley) 'Now the question of controlling gender, Minis- ter. Your wife's expecting your first child. Is this not an important issue to you personally?' The whole Cabinet is concerned. Indeed, every member of the House takes this issue seriously. Judgments should not be made along purely party lines.' `Would you choose the child's gender if you could?'

'I'm sure most people in the country, once thoroughly informed, would agree with the assessments I've made so far on this matter.'

'Would you consider a referendum?' The government, with, I believe, the agree- ment of the other party leaders, will make it clear that it has no plans for such a step.' 'What do you intend to call the baby?' 'I've set up a committee. . . (James Keenan) Interviewer: But Mr Major, will you actually create any jobs?

Major: Well, yes, in the long term an area of creativity will be created, when the time is right, and everything will be done to ensure that the time is right for such action, creating a long-term recovery.

I: Yes, but will you actually create jobs? M: Well, jobs undoubtedly will be created as economic forces work in an upward direction. I: You mean that the economic climate will dictate whether jobs are created?

M: Well, yes, naturally as the economy grows, more work will be available.

I: But will you create jobs?

M: It is very important that recovery should be long-term, and therefore should be created carefully. (Katie Mallett) 'Minister, there are those who feel that the Treasury should not have paid for a private legal action of yours.'

'I quite agree, but they've got their facts wrong. Hardly any of the total amount was paid out of the public purse.'

'You were lucky enough to be able to draw on a slush fund for the rest, were you not?'

'Slush fund? I hardly understand what that is. That's an American expression, isn't it?' 'I believe so, but —' 'Not that you'll find me complaining about Britain's great ally. I leave that to our oppo- nents.'

'If I may return to the question, do you or don't you feel that litigation against a tenant is a personal matter, not one related to your office?'

'The lady in question has never been in my office, if that's what you mean, and I find the suggestion offensive.'

'Well, try this for offensive. You rented your place to a tart, got her kicked out and welshed on the bill. What do you say to that?'

'I am proud to say that I am British through and through, that yes, Welsh blood flows in my veins and I would lay down my life for my country. If I am to be crucified for that, so be it.'

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

No. 1767: A rough crew

Beachcomber invented a battleship named HMS Horrible — a very different sort of ship, one imagines, compared to PinafOre. You are invited to supply, for a modern opera, a chorus of sailors aboard this craft. Maximum 16 lines. Entries to 'Competi- tion No 1767' by 19 February.