THE IRISH NAPOLEON

Stan Gebler Davies on

the ambitions of Charles Haughey to be a kind of European President

Dublin SOME delusions are amusing and some are not. C. J. Haughey, in a touching ceremony on Monday at Dublin City Hall, has installed himself as President of Europe. His son Sean, who is Lord Mayor of the city, raised the European flag while Charlie hauled up the Irish tricolour. An army band played the European anthem, words ludicrous, incidentally by Schiller, music by Beethoven, while nearby some army wives screeched abuse at the new President, howling for more pay for their men. Would Napoleon have tolerated a similar impertinence at his coronation? One doubts it. But C. J. Haughey is not Napoleon. Or is he? He admires the late Emperor. It is a trait not uncommon in short people. Charlie is a short person, even looks permanently dyspeptic just like the Emperor. Parts his hair the same way too.

Of course Charlie is not the President of Europe (thanks be to Christ) but merely President of the European Council for six months, a la Buggins, as it is the turn of the Irish so to posture. No other politico, for fear of ridicule, has chosen to make a meal of the part, but Charlie is Charlie. He speaks of a trip to Moscow, should he obtain the consent of other leaders (Thatcher, Mitterrand, Kohl etc), to advise Gorbachev on Eastern Europe.

For yes, putting aside for a moment the heavy burden of governing three quarters of Ireland and helping with the govern- ance of the other quarter, CJH has given the whole continent the benefit of his full attention. While the rest of us were busy watching the television news he and the bright lads at the Department of Foreign Affairs, the same fellows who solved the Ulster problem with the Anglo-Irish Agreement, have been busying themselves trying to identify the problems facing all of us in order that Irish wisdom may be brought to bear on them, and the same keen minds that made the Republic of

"Things are going to be so tough, my. job may be the only one to survive.'

Ireland the prosperous and peaceful haven it presently is can do the same for the whole of Europe.

This is magnanimity of an order to make one weep.

The priorities arrived at thus are Eastern Europe and ecology. The President and his advisers are expert on the subject of pollution as Dublin, at this time of year, is often covered in smog and deputies have the devil of a time finding their way from Leinster House, the parliament building, across the road to the bar of Buswell's Hotel. The citizens are in the habit of burning cheap coal. Something will have to be done about it, says Charlie, now that he is President, and the Cardinal Archbishop agrees with him.

He had not previously been noted for any ecological passion and may be counted on to keep a level head on the subject.

Members of his party have never let environmental considerations stand in the way of industrial development and many take a keen interest in property develop- ment themselves.

On the subject of Eastern Europe, the President thinks that the speedy introduc- tion of democracy would be a good idea.

Economic assistance must be provided to the nascent democracies there, and who better to advise on it than the champion scroungers of Western Europe? As for democratic processes, Mr Haughey, who fights off murderous assaults from mem- bers of his own party with practised ease, has an unrivalled grasp of them. Un- doubtedly, these brand-new democrats have much to learn from him.

His finance minister announces, for what it's worth, that another priority will be to persuade the British to enter the EMS. Best of luck to him, say I.

On the subject of German unification, Mr Haughey points out that Ireland also is partitioned and Irishmen are therefore uniquely qualified to understand German angst on this score. This impertinence, proceeding from the leader of the only EC state to have remained neutral between communism and democracy, may cause some small spasm of distaste when Mr Haughey repeats it in Berlin, as he will. He has chartered a plane, at £3 million, to fly him around the chancelleries for the dura- tion. But the Germans are a mannerly people. If they can tolerate the insolence of the French they can surely put up with Charlie for a while.

Meanwhile, lots of money will be spent here on high jinks. There will be parties galore up in Dublin and hordes of bureac- rats, with attendant hacks, entertained in style. Charlie made a deal with his worst enemies, after failing to win last year's election outright, to ensure that he should preside over these festivities. It would be a terrible pity, would it not, if he were to fall out with them, and lose his majority in the Dail, for then he would no longer be President of Europe.