No. 1376: The winners
Juspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a piece of prose, as prosaic as possible in content, which, otherwise printed, is seen to be rhymed verse. _I once artfully read Auden's poem `Mus- see des Beaux Arts' to a group of people and asked them afterwards whether it was rhymed or not. Half of them said not. It is fl fact thickly rhymed. That gave me the idea for this competition, which drew a gratifyingly large response. The best per- formers were those who understood how to hide the rhyme words by placing them so that as part of a piece of prose they would naturally be lightly stressed. Those who put their rhyme words at the ends of sentences gave the game away, and those Who split words between two lines of Poetry to make an artificial rhyme I viewed as not even playing the game. The regulars Put up a good fight — especially Paul Griffin, Charles Mosley and Katie Monett — but newcomers and irregulars had a field day. J. Fitton, F. Mullen and C. J. D. Harvey stood out among the just unsuccessful. The winners below (except for Ron Rubin, who will have to be content with a fiver) get £10 each, and the bonus bottle of Cognac Courvoisier VSOP is on its way to Mrs J. M. Vickers.
I think we may take the Minutes as read. By now, you all know what the President said last week, but I could hardly agree when he lightly dismissed the outstanding fee which a certain member has failed to pay. Frankly, I can't help feeling the day has arrived when this member should quietly resign, since we, the Committee, take the line that being a Peer of the Realm doesn't mean he need neither pay nor appear on the scene when the rest of us go to the trouble to meet. The fact of it is he should give up his seat forthwith. So now will you do your stuff and raise your hands? We have had enough of this sort of thing. Let us show him the door even though he's the President's father-in-law.
(Mrs J. M. Vickers) Dear Sir or Madam, Gas Account In this bill it's clearly stated (beside the sum) that the amount due has been estimated. As your instructions indicate, I have now duly noted the meter reading, which, to date, is lower than that quoted. I trust that, since the sums involved are large amounts of money, the matter will be soon resolved. Yours faithfully, Bridget Loney.
(Bridget Loney) Congratulations to you! You're now the proud possessor of an Electronic Mark 2 Super-DEmoN food-processor. It functions include: Blending Mixing Whisking Liquidising
Just follow the instructions. The results will be surprising even to experienced chefs. You soon prepare your meal. The hours of work a DEMON saves can best be proved, we feel, by testing it yourself with the recipes we append. They range from milk-shakes through to sponges, with no need to spend ages in the kitchen. You can even have a drink and read the morning paper! No hard labour at the sink!
Your DEMON'S guaranteed to work for five years, trouble-free. Should it develop any fault within this time, just see the list of agents' names below and ring one right away. They're autho- rised to put it right. You're not required to pay.
(Patrick J. Fairs) When placing an order, please note that delay will be saved if you quote the style of your preference, as well as the reference number and size of the coat.
(Ron Rubin) Dear Sir, Our rules, subsection three, quite clearly state that you may be evicted if your rent is overdue by more than seven weeks. Your rent book shows a backlog, since you sent remittance, of eight months. Advising you, therefore, of our determination that, as of now, this situation shall cease, we urgently demand that (a) you move yourself and chattels out, and (b) you forthwith pay, without further demand, all rents; any delay will lead to prosecution. I have also been instructed by the Council to point out certain repairs that you've neglected since you took the downstairs tenancy. We look to you to make them good. The kitchen stairs, the balustrading and the gate all need attention. Kindly state (and by return of post) what steps you mean to take to set things right, and by what means you wish to settle.
I remain faithfully yours, Herbert McQueen.
(Gerard Benson)
Dear Sir or Madam,
It is not my habit to dwell on trivial com- plaints, but I am forced to draw attention to your rabbit, which regularly trespasses on my new vegetable plot. No sooner do I put my seedlings out of doors to harden than they are chewed. I must insist that you confine your greedy pet to your own garden.
While not opposed to animals as such (the RSPCA has my support) I find this creature's constant raids too much, and warn you that next time he will be caught and dealt with in whatever way I feel appropriate; so understand this clearly and act accordingly. 'Thou shalt not steal' applies as well to rabbits.
Yours sincerely . . (Mary Holtby)
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