COMPETITION

Queer trade

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2036 you were told about G.K. Chesterton's Club of Queer Trades (members must have invent- ed a novel, eccentric way of earning a liv- ing) and invited to take the role of a jour- nalist conducting an interview with a mod- ern member of the Club, during which the nature of the trade is revealed.

GKC's rules were actually stricter than mine: the trade must not be a mere varia- tion of an existing one ('the Club would not admit an insurance agent simply because instead of insuring men's furniture against being burnt in a fire, he insured their trousers against being torn by a mad dog') and it must also be the sole support of its inventor (`the Club would not receive a man simply because he chose to pass his days collecting broken sardine tins, unless he could drive a roaring trade in them'). My favourite among his Queer Tradesmen is Mr P.G. Northover whose Adventure and Romance Agency, in return for a year- ly or quarterly sum, undertakes to sur- round a person who feels his life is dull with exciting and startling events.

None of you, to my disappointment, pro- posed a female member, and there are, unusually, no female prize-takers. The win- ners, printed below, get £30 each, and the bottle of The Macallan The Malt Scotch whisky is David Barton's.

A: So you guarantee to teach parrots to talk within six weeks?

B: Well, that's the boarders: day birds talr...e longer, obviously, but most can, given exile" tuition, manage at least their owner's language in a few months.

A: You offer other languages?

B: Of course, mostly European, although even our best talkers, the African Greys, just as insu- lar as their owners, tend merely to shout Mier; addressing foreigners. The kudos of a seconu language, however — and even a third in veil smart circles — guarantees the icing ral Linguabeak's bird-table.

4:1 imagine you've no time for birds whose only Squawk is a monotonous 'Where's a pretty boy, then?'

B: I wouldn't say that, but I like to think our graduates can remain quite unruffled in the most demanding of tonversaziones'. Incidentally, did I tell you that I have developed my own method ,()I signing for reluctant talkers who turn out to

'X hard of hearing? (David Barton)

I expressed surprise that there were so few bcoks and no bookshelves. 'Professional Novel Reader' suggested a life given to acquiring and consuming books, but there were only about a dozen piled neatly on his desk.

I give them back immediately I've processed them,' he explained. 'Processed?' :Yes, well, read them and made the required resume and comments.' 'So they aren't normal review copies?' No, no. My clients purchase them, following advice from friends, tutors or book clubs, or because they're in the top 20 or on a prize list.' 'Then?'

'Then / read them, summarise the story, type outf a quotes and some opinions tailored to

the individual client's style and requirements. when I say "I", it's mostly my sub-readers. I employ about 50 now. There's a huge demand, because, unless they're paid to do it, nobody actually reads novels nowadays, but nearly every- body wants to talk about them.'

(Giles Ewing) 'Now, Mr Cushy, they tell me you've found your- self a niche market.'

'Yes. I deal pretty much entirely with Yogis.'

'Really? Not exactly the people one would expect to engage in the cut and thrust of today's commercial world, surely?'

'Eh? Oh — you misunderstand me: Young Ongoing Growth Institutions. I help them to Mop.'

`Ah. Would that be when they crash — as so many seem to?'

'No, no — I help them to Maximise Office Profiles.'

'If you say so. And how do you do that?'

'Well, basically I supply Eejits.

'Come, come. That's no way to think of your customers, is it?'

'Wrong again. I devise and tailor Exclusive Executive Jargon and Idiolectal Terminologies.'

'Blimey, that is a niche! So . . . the jewel in a company's crown is an Opal — er, Own Particular Acronymic Language?'

'Not bad, not bad. Matter of fact, business is so good I could use a partner.'

(Andrew Gibbons)

Journalist: You work at the Institute for the Advancement of Criminal Under-achievers. In what capacity?

Sociologist: My function is essentially twofold: to ensure the fair and efficient distribution of crime in the community; and, wherever possible, to match criminals' core skills and aptitudes with offences currently available for committing.

J: That sounds like a villains' charter!

S: Let's just say I bring together workers and work. A trainee offender can, so to speak, dip a toe in the water and discover which genre of crime best suits him — or her.

J: You're advocating crime as a career?

S: Naturally! Wrongdoers are an integral part of the social fabric, as are builders, cab drivers and, er, journalists. They're entitled to realise their potential, either as one-off petty crooks or fully formed recidivists. . . . Incidentally, might I rec- ommend our fact-pack, Jags, Lags and Blags?

J: So what exactly is your job title?