YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. Your sage words to the well known leave me feeling you could help me with a serious problem. My femme de ménage is a trea- sure; losing her would be like losing an arm. She baulks at only one thing: she will not clean the lavatory bowl. In her own house she has a chemical closet needing daily emptying. I think it is for this reason she uses mine. She leaves it in a disgusting state. The consequence? I have to clean up after her. How can I solve this? Since there are four lavatories, pretending one is kaput won't do. Nor will excuses about lack of water, since she needs water for her work and I may need the loo while she is there. I do hope you can help.
P.D., Latuque, Galapian, France A. May I suggest that you are bedridden or dressing-gown-clad next time your femme de ménage turns up. Explain that you are down with a recurring gastro-enteritic bug and that the doctor has been round. 'What did the doctor say?' she will ask. 'He said it was an incredibly vigorous bug and that was why it keeps recurring,' you can white-lie. He said that I have to make absolutely sure that every hygienic precaution is taken because guests could easily be infected by my lavatory — and I too can be reinfected. So will you pour Domestos [name the French equivalent] down all four lavatories every day?' You can then stagger off hold- ing your stomach. The chances are that you will have put her off the idea of using your lavatory in the future and she can hardly pour Domestos into a lavatory without feel- ing bound to also execute the dislodgement of any of her personal waste matter which she sees adhering to the bowl.
Q. Observing that you are now prepared to give advice on military problems, I wonder if you would pronounce on one which has haunted me for 50 years. Candidates called before an officer-selection board were liable to be knocked sideways by this poser: 'You are an officer waiting for a train. When it arrives it has no first-class com- partments and all the compartments are fully occupied by other ranks. Nobody is prepared to offer you a seat. It is unthink- able that you, holding the Queen's commis- sion, should stand while other ranks sit. What are you going to do about it?' Actual- ly, I was lucky enough not to be asked this question, but please tell me what I should have said.
E. T., Richmond A. The officer faced with this dilemma should act on initiative. He should approach one of the other ranks and ask him to step outside the carriage. Once out- side he can order the man to go and check something with the guard or he can be more imaginative in his request. He may then slip into the seat thus vacated. Its orig- inal occupant is unlikely to demand it back on his return. Incidentally, the military supremo I consulted informs me that on military trains of today all the seats are allocated.
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