COMPETITION

Early form

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2134 you were invited to supply a report, covering several activities, from a conventional English school on a famous historical figure who couldn't possibly have been there.

The remarkable number of birchings young Sacher-Masoch incurred at Harrow, little Vladimir's praiseworthy butterfly col- lection, Proust's rotten perfomance in the gym — there were plenty of angles here. I enjoyed Napoleon's report on geography: `An excellent project on Egypt last term. Work on Russia needs more attention' (Geraldine Perriam) and Moses' on Mathematics: 'Counts to ten, but no fur- ther. He may one day need higher num- bers' (John Michael Phillips). The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky is Godfrey Bullard's.

English: Moses is diffident. Therapy advised for slight speech problem.

Maths: Handles a ruler skilfully. Deeply involved in numbers.

Science: Has bred frogs and locusts spectacu- larly. Experiments in spontaneous combustion unconfirmed. Geography (Field Studies): Poor. His river pro- ject resulted in a delta.

Art/Crafts: Impressive linen and yarn collage. Prefers rough, drab materials, even a darkness that may be felt.

Carpentry/Metalwork: Produced outstanding bronze lampstand and wooden chest. Mosaic patterns strongly influential.

Activities: Experienced camper, especially in drought conditions.

General: Moses is still too impetuous (he arrived in something of a rush) and often insub- ordinate towards his superiors, even throwing staff on the ground. Has occasionally plagued authority. Manner not always appreciated. (Godfrey Bullard) Theology: J. Iscariot has a zealous and inquiring attitude, but uncertain as to future direction. Will probably settle when he finds a religious group in which he feels esteemed and accepted. Might even become an outstanding figure in this field!

Social Skills: A trifle rebellious and erratic, but will undoubtedly become more disciplined when he encounters a leader he respects and to whom he feels loyal. Promising.

Business Studies: Shows great understanding, and has produced an especially interesting and thorough treatise on the silver market. Should have little difficulty in any career.

Summary: Judas may become a name the School will remember. (Paul Hatton) History: Leonardo is easily distracted. His exer- cise books are a mass of grotesque doodles.

Biology: A difficult term, since he spent three weeks in the sanatorium. Must learn that self- dissection is strictly against school rules.

Geography: The zero mark reflects my refusal to employ a mirror to mark his work. This is sheer perversity.

English: A promising essay on metaphor in Hamlet spoilt by a wild and apparently unpremeditated dissertation on perpetual motion, which is not in the syllabus.

Physics: Must learn to walk before he can run. One cannot compute planetary orbits until we have covered stage two calculus. The flying machine has been confiscated.

Headmaster Some promise, but must learn dis- cipline. Matron is seeking advice on possible Attention Deficit Disorder. (Noel Petty) Religious Studies: Nero's intolerance of conflict- ing theologies kills any debate at source.

Biology: Too imaginative an involvement with animals prevents his studying them objectively. Nero must learn animals do not have human intelligence!

Social Studies: Continues to find this subject incomprehensible and irrelevant.

Music: A natural and fiery solo performer, especially on the violin. Burning to set the school alight with his music.

Human Biology: An excellent grasp of the human body — a real sense of enjoyment and commitment, particularly in practical sessions.

Physical Education: Not a team player.

General: A gifted but highly-strung boy, Nero still finds difficulty in damping down his love of spectacle. I hope to see him less of a firebrand English and RE: While showing little aptitude for written work, Jesus has a remarkable talent for oral story-telling. Although only in Year Eight, he has several times conducted a full School Assembly with confident success.

Woodwork: He has not made much progress in this subject since last year when I reported favourably on his unusual table. He must make more practical effort.

Cookery: Jesus tends to forget to bring his ingredients, but can be inventive with what is available. He is particularly clever with bread.

Extra-curricular activities: Jesus has gained his advanced First Aid Certificate, with special com- mendation for his resuscitation skills. I would like to see him join more school societies, I think he might find the Young Magicians' Club a suit- able outlet for his talents.