YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. The priest in Cape Town who is trou- bled by mobile phones during worship Might first suggest making a congregation directory, by which means he can get all the Mobile-phone numbers. Second, he could form a prayer group whose task is to phone the mobiles during the service hour: 'To offer prayer fellowship to those who are unable to be with us in worship this morn- ing, let us say together "Our Father " . . . . '
B.C., St Brelade, Jersey 4. Thank you for your amusing tip.
Q. A dear but gauche friend has of late taken to stressing the importance of his job and the magnitude of his salary. The evi- dence for either is slight (modest, 'middle- Management' home, questionable apparel, second-hand car, etc.) but in any event the lengthening silences, as I struggle to find the correct response to his repeated decla- rations are becoming embarrassing. Mary, What should I do?
D.L., Suffolk 4. The poor chap is clearly insecure. Indeed he may not have a job at all and is possibly even facing bankruptcy proceedings. Why not blurt out your sympathy for his predica- ment and suggest that if something comes up in. your own scope of employment opportu- nities, you will certainly offer him a job? Q. I have lived in a minor stately home for 12 years. We have a lot of people to stay at weekends, including plenty of new blood. I am not ungrateful for my good fortune but lately I feel that my house-parties are becoming slightly stale, predictable and complacent. They seem to function in a very clockwork manner. Have you any sug- gestions as to how I might enliven proceed- ings, shake things up a bit?
Name and address withheld A. Greet your next lot of guests with the announcement that there has been a major plumbing, pipework and drains disaster and all the lavatories in the house are tem- porarily out of order. Indicate some Por- taloos that you have hired from a party catering company such as W.C. Fields and have scattered at a discreet distance from each other in your garden. People will be up all night using these facilities and in the coming and going a spirit of trench-war- fare-style camaraderie will be engendered. You will provide your guests with a stimu- lating new conversational topic as well as displaying far corners of your gardens and `grounds' that they would normally be too couch-potato-ish to visit. You will create a memorable weekend for all concerned.
Q. I am a confirmed bachelor, 44 years of age. I have a very full and varied social life. Unfortunately, I have a voraciously powerful female friend who, while kind and deeply thoughtful, is constantly suggesting things we might do together. One recent telephone conversation proposed our meeting for din- ner in Spitalfields, a Saturday lunch at Le Manoir and a weekend away in Madrid. One of these engagements would be ample. While I enjoy her company in moderation, I have no wish for a date to be fixed each time we speak. There is no sense of romantic attachment on either side. How can I avoid this diary-slotting without causing offence?
Name and address withheld A. Invent a lame dog within your circle — 'I won't say who it is, for obvious reasons, but they're going through a difficult time and I've committed myself to being available when things are particularly tough. Trouble is, it means I can't plan my social life very
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