All the rage

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 2365 you were invited to supply a piece, written in the style of a fashion editor, expressing enthusiasm for either see-through trousers for men or full plate armour for women.

Two confessions (not apologies). First, I lifted this comp from a Spectator of over 40 years ago, and a very good one it proved to be. Second, although one of my sons once trod the dogwalk? in Milan, I am no fashionisto?, and so Solomon-like I invited a Queen of Sheba to help me judge. On the see-through side, I enjoyed Josh Ekroy's advice that 'knees are now just as important as an erotic come-on as eyelashes are for women, and need as much make-up", and on the armour side Brian Murdoch's critical aside: 'M&S do a well-made

stainless-steel outfit, but it is a bit 14th-centuty: The prizewinners below get £25 each, and the Cobra Premium beer goes to W.J. Webster.

The stellar moment of the show was Ragu Gulasz's outrageously ingenious armoured suit. As he demonstrated with last season's brilliant barbed wire fichus, style simply transforms substance. In less sensitive hands, this power ensemble could have been a complete clunker — think Black Prince meets Tin Man. Instead, it's a sharp-witted delight, gliding between the unapologctically forbidding and the slyly sexy, as in the sensuous undulations of the breastplate. As ever, detail is all. The carbon-fibre plates arc in lilac, which is so the perfect shade. Their fixings arc bold porphyry studs, while at the elbows and knees titanium ruching gives a deliciously feminine touch. Gorget and gauntlets have matching filigree work, the spikily pointed shoes arc grounded with no-nonsense horseman heels. A sling-shaped bag in purple chainmail makes the ideal accessory. For the woman who wants to turn heads before knocking them together, this is the suit.

WI Webster Sorry, girls, hut suddenly that all-day flaunting of the flesh is passé. When Tripsy Fluff walked on with Nina de Madon's latest collection we gasped. Full plate armour will now be de rigueur for feisty females of all ages. Joan of Arc it isn't. Made of ultra-light titanium, it is fully contoured and it comes in a variety of shimmering colours. An adjustable breastplate gives firm support, and as an optional extra there is a scrolling upper section for that special dinner date. You can also have a detachable crotchpiece — the glory of all glory holes! Nina knows her marketing. It was a coup de maiiresse to have Judy Finnigan wearing one at the Saga Holidays Save the Planet Gala and promising a high-street version for Christmas. This creation is glamorous and practical. Ideal for the office, the Tube, football matches and the first day of the Harrods sale.

Gordon Gwilliams Milan's done it again! This cutting-edge centre of Renaissance armour sees the wheel come full circle as Ferromoda's models shimmer down the catwalk in state-of-the-art armour plating. Stunned silence was replaced by rapturous applause from the audience of predominant female fashionistas. This was armour to die for: no cutaways, no off-the-shoulder, no controversial hemline, just classic full-body steel that speaks domination. Modern fabric — a lightweight hightungsten steel — and Teflon joints make for a sexy slink, not a heavy clank. Forget ironing creases and expensive cleaning: these are clothes-to-go, needing just a wipe with aromatic oils and a touch of WD40, that speak self-protection and control. Ferromoda has achieved the ultimate femininity for women who want knockout good looks. Learn fashion's new vocabulary of greaves and visors— and how to handbag anyone who calls you the Iron Lady.

DA. Pritwe A rousing response greeted Glasnost Fashions' unveiling of their latest collection for the man who has everything. Models Justin and Roger revealed the long-awaited designs, the ultimate seduction for those with a passion for fashion and the mind and body to carry it off. In the year's sexiest fashion show, the cheeky, shimmering completely see-through putts were pure ocular delight, a unique and stimulating upfront statement. Fair Trade has produced a winner in the carefree, machine-washable fabric 'nonelon', spun by genetically modified silkworms, totally transparent so that attention is drawn to zipper, trimmings and the Glasnost logo. The `Naked Truth' collection is a revelation for men; no more post-9/11 strip searches, no need to check pockets for ID cards, no embarrassing 'Is that a gun ill your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?' This is the fashion of your dreams.

Shirley Curran Pantalons sans Frontieres; a ravishing range of transparent trousers by Paris-based desigier Yves Haut, forms the highlight of his sumptuous autumn collection. I adored the exquisitely crafted bubble-wrap codpieces surmounting thigh-hugging nett-cellophane. Each garment is hemmed (a witty reference to the cling-film packet?) with a serrated metal strip, but what drew the gasps of incredulity and admiration beside the catwalk was perhaps the most audacious detail: these trousers are quite perceptibly flared.

'My inspiration, says I Nut, 'came to me when was shopping in L'epicerie Fauchon. I was assembling the ingredients for a simple ratatouille, wrapping them loosely in flimsy plastic bags. In a flash I recognised that I had achieved the same effect as Titian when he ennobled muscular buttocks with the merest wisp of diaphanous fabric.'

Magnifique! And yet, one asks rather uneasily, how would these trousers go down in, say, Stow-on-the-Wold?

Hugh King

The Becks-style sarong went to the local charity shop yonks ago. It left a hideous hole in the switched-on-male's 'downstairs' wardrobe. Fact. Until now. Yesterday, the volatile strides guru Furio Mattopazzo paraded his cutting-edge Milan collection of men's see-through trews before a rapturously agape international trouser press. Think diaphanous drainpipes, loose-fit transluce.nts, chiffon chaps, voile slacks. Think peekaboo gun-covers, sheer raving loons. Think drop-dead-gorgeous cellophane bags! His message couldn't he clearer. But forget harems; Mattopazgo is happy to admit that it was the Italian riot polio; or, rather, their disastrous tactic last year of wearing see-through trousers to calm rampaging soccer fans, that inspired him: 'They commit fashion suicide. Was wrong season for this style. Now, is more contemporary moment. I want everybody see through my pantaloni? Like my sailor trouser: see front, see side, see legs, see bottom! In winter, wear over silver long john.' flello, sailor!

Patrick Smith

No. 2368: Party lines

You are invited to provide a poem (maximum 16 lines) entitled At a cocktail party'. Entries to 'Competition No 2368' by 18 November.