`Your Chairman Reports . • •

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 392 Report by Colin Prestige Dickens in Nicholas Nickleby having introduced 'The United Metropolitan Improved Hot Muffin and Crumpet Baking and Punctual Delivery Company,' competitors were asked to submit the title of a charity or organisation appropriate to 1957, with an extract from the chairman's annual review.

MY Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, with your permission we will take the subject matter as read. It is, however, melancholy to have to record that there is no society for the elimination of curates' eggs. The Spectator's Select Committee on Obscure Charities and Organisations reveals that many undertakings with the most high-sounding names circulate only a routine annual report. Many enterprises could widen their appeal with a more vivid presentation.

There were, nevertheless, many flashes of inspiration. Company promoters are usually ingenious. David Butler introduced 'The Inter- national Diplomatic and Political Union for the Preservation of Face.' V. Langton and Frances Collingwood sympathised with those connected to wrong telephone numbers. Personal liberty in various forms seemed to be a popular issue with many of those who avoided personalities. Roff's fraternity was the only mutual admiration society (an obvious target), but his title was too short. Mrs. M. E. de R. Epps's 'Society for Detecting. and Notifying, Misuses of the English Language' records that 'a Cabinet Minister, in the House, split an infinitive; though he did not split the vote.' J. A. Lindon's charity was for 'Recognising and Suitably Honouring Overlooked Sporting Records'; achievements include a Kentish farmer 'running 721+ yards in hobnails through ripe corn' in 3m. 18.8s., when 'a pig pursuant was used as pacemaker.'

Having taken good stock of all the company results, I recommend a dividend of two guineas each to Leslie Johnson and Miss M. Chisholm. I allot bonus shares worth one guinea to G. H. Baxter, and I discharge my function as almoner by distributing one guinea maundy to W. K. Holmes. In addition, I commend extracts from several other schemes for reprinting.

PRIZES

(LESLIE JOHNSON)

IRENIC INDUSTRIES AND OTHER CHEEK TURNERS, Lm.

At the annual meeting held yesterday at Millen- nium House, the chairman, Mr. P. Smaiker, said: 'You may have noticed from the balance sheet that our cash resources are somewhat depleted. This is due to your board's policy of buying up all available hatchets with a view to interment.

'Your company's main product takes the form of ploughshares, and I regret that the throughput of swords at our patent beating mills during the period under review shows some falling off. As for pruning- hooks, our secondary line, here again the raw materials, in this case spears, are in short supply.

'In an endeavour to counter the difficulties to which I have referred your directors are applying themselves in their usual optimistic way to a vigorous campaign for promoting the sales of dovecotes and olive branches both at home and abroad. . .

(MISS M. CHISHOLM) THE SUCKERS EMPIRICAL SLIDER UNDENOMINATIONAL SUPPLIERS

Melting of prejudice progreises. The early and very real summer gave impetus to distribution and under- bed stocks were pressed into service in what must be termed a scoop.

Manufacture. The fortunate broadening of author- itative opinion among those administratively con- cerned with civic dwellings as regards the provision of free refrigerators has resulted in the immediate transfer to turnover of frozen assets.

Our newest development is the exploitation of drippers. Raw materials are on tap.

Among Intangible Assets remain our premises, upkeep amounting to laundering the essential white dustcoat.

Profit margins virtually marry at meridian, our accountants write off the whole against promotion, tax reserves being passed over.

While the valued appreciation of our customers is, in the nature of ,things, mute, we may neverthe- less, 1 think, claim to know the flavour of success.

(G. H. BAXTER) THE CONSOLIDATED SUBLUNARY NICOTINE SUBSTITUTE AND ALTERNATIVE FUMIFEROUS MATERIALS CORPORATION, INC.

`. . . happy to announce a further increase in divi- dcnd—though this is a secondary consideration as we are mainly concerned with safeguarding health. . . . We have opened two additional Straw and Hay Pro- cessing factories, which are working to capacity. Their by-products are also proving profitable, for use in the manufacture of fodder, doormats, and breakfast cereals. The Tea-leaves Reclamation and Decolora- tion Unit has doubled its output. In our up-to-date laboratories, research has begun on the preparation of synthetic latakia from seaweed; and our devoted team of top-ranking scientists has made great strides in investigating the possibilities of such materials as old rope, blotting-paper, shredded mackintosh, and dehydrated figs. The Cigar Industry, with its attached cabbage plantations, is being re-sited at Havana in Cheshire, so that its products may justifiably enjoy the prestige arising from use of that name. . .

(w. K. HOLMES)

THE SOCIETY FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF CUSTOMERS WHO WANT TO PURCHASE REPLACEMENTS OF CHERISHED POSSESSION AND THE SUPPRESSION OF 'MANUFACTURERS WHO OFFER IMPROVEMENTS

Ladies and Gentlemen, I regret to announce that the Society's work for the past year has been a waste of time. Members who have endeavoured to replace valued articles have invariably been offered what they are assured is better, but which is, besides being dearer, either without enduring qualities or too clever to be practical. My own experience is typical. My shaving-brush, a friend of many years, having grown too bald for use, I tried to buy one like it, in vain. The one I purchased, on the strong recommendation of the vendor, looked beautiful, but after a month's work resembled a miniature kitchen mop. The transaction illustrates what manufacturers regard as good business and a quick turn-over. I suggest that our Society be disbanded as futile.

COMMENDED Society for the Dissemination of Third Programme Culture : Our amateur performances of Wozzer Navvi's Concerto in four movements (Concrete; Cobblestones; Asphalt; Macadam) for pneumatic drill and seventeen gas-engines have gone off rather better; but small suburban drawing-rooms at teatime are perhaps not suitable. (Gloria Prince.) The Consolidated Conventry Corporation for the Supplying of Television Sets to Unofficial Strikers : An unofficial striker, having no strike pay, cannot keep up the payments on his set. (Vera Telfcr.)

The London and County Spinsterhood for thc Rehabilitation of Vagrant Budgerigars. (Sir John Craig.)

The Inter-Denominational Confetti Renovating and Bus-Ticket Punch-Hole Restoring Association: We have suffered in some degree from the more wide- spread adoption by tram and bus companies of ticket- issuing devices. (R. W. Dargavel.)

Little Gidding and District Amalgamated Society for the Reclamation, Reform and Rehabilitation of Persistently Unpunctual Plumbers: Our loyal and hardworking staff reports, as usual, miracles. She has reclaimed three hardened plumbers. (Allan M. Laing.)