COMPETITION

Crazy chain

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1436 you were asked to supply a 'crazy chain' of messages (six including the original) garbled by oral transmission.

`Tickle your arse with a feather, sir?' our school wag used to inquire of any passing master. 'What did you say, boy?' (During the war they were all hard of hearing due to either senility or bombardment.) 'Parti- cularly nasty weather, sir,' he would eluci- date with a leer. Beau Brummell relates the story of 'Monk' Lewis giving his servant the message, The doctor has seen her, put her leg straight, and the poor chicken is doing well', which came out the other end as 'The doctor has been here, she has laid eggs, and the chickens are doing well.' The children's game I referred to is variously known as 'Chinese Whispers', 'Russian Telephones' or, rather feebly, 'Secrets'. When I set the competition I didn't realise how difficult a plausible sequence could be: then I tried myself; now I know. Some of the connections between your messages were so loose that one had to assume that the relay runners were not only out of breath but drunk and missing their den- tures as well. The two most amazingly mangled messages were Brian Ruth's, which started 'I'm in love with your grand- mother' and ended 'Runaway chaplain entertains the troops', and D.B. Jenkin- son's which started`Mail ou sant les neiges d'antan?' and ended 'My son Humphrey rings me up on Sundays.'

But plausibility, or a semblance of it, must win the week. Seven pounds goes to each hard-working competitor printed be- low (Watson Weeks is irregularly let in because the full six messages are too long for our space), and the last bonus Long- man Dictionary of the English Language (thank you, Longman) goes to Ba. Miller.

I'm taking Fanny's two in the Chevette to get the daily.

Am taking Fanny too before her set to collect a daily. Am taking Nanny to the launderette to select a baby.

Have taken Nanny to the launderette — effec- tive maybe.

Have taken Nanny to the vet — infectious scabies.

Forsaken Granny at the vet — suspected rabies. (Ba Miller) The bad reception here is largely due to that great forest of trees.

The recent election has not improved the quality of our MPs.

They've rejected the new lot of Blue Stilton cheese.

We expected to hear your views on the implica- tions of the freeze.

The Inspector hasn't got a clue about the identity of the thief.

The Spectator has got a new Editor-in-Chief. (John Sweetman)

What an impressive menhir; pass it on. What unimpressive men here (pas cet What depressing men here, past the town. What distressing manners! Pa, sit down! Whatsit's dressing Anna's partner down. Watson's dressing-gown has part slid down.

(Gerard Benson)

Continued on page 38 England expects that every man will do his duty. England suspects that very man who'll do his duty.

England inspects that ferryman who'll do his duty.

In glandular respects fat ferrymen will do their duty.

The grandest aspect of fat ferrymen is their beauty.

The ground is set for the ferrymen to mutiny. (Christopher Potter) Get together on time: Ealing Common, Thursday.

Forget the weather, I'm feeling uncommonly thirsty.

I forget whether I'm feeling Helen or Kirstie. Forget the leather. I'm reeling, Eleanor, curse ye!

Get the feather-bed feeling, Alan? Unearthly! Wet Leatherhead's really hell on a birthday.

(Frances Crain) In Aberdeen they're sighting ruin.

The teams are fighting — it's a ruin.

The weans are biting things and chewing.

The Dean says frightening things are brewing.

The Dean is sprightly in his wooing.

The Queen is knighting J.R. Ewing.

(Ralph Sadler) The Arts Council has reduced its grants for the coming year. All organisations in receipt of funds are to be subject to the normal rigorous checks.

The Arts Council has removed to Nantes for the summer beer. All organ grinders in receipt of crumbs have rejected normal cigarettes.

The Tarts' Council have exchanged their pants for summer gear. All gone on a blinder with the fleet, some nuns and two objectionable gormless usherettes.

(Watson Weeks) Honey, why are you using Sally's paints? Honey, what are you doing with Sally's paints? Honey, what are you doing with Sally's pants? Honey, what are you keeping in Sally's pants? Honey, what's the key to Sally's pants? Honi soit qui mal y pense.

(J. Hennigan)

I hear there's going to be a general election in December.

I fear there's going to be a general election in December.

I feel there's going to be a general relaxation in December.

I feel there's going to be a gentle relaxation in December.

I feel there's going to be a gentle relaxation in this member.

I feel there's going to be a genital erection in this member.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)