Competition

No.1059: Opinionated

Set by Robert Baird : Jane Austen, as we know from her letters, held strong views on the place of women in society. How would she have reacted to the idea of a woman Prime Minister? Competitors are asked for an extract (not more than 150 words) front a letter from Jane Austen or any other prominent woman of the past — not necessarily an author — in which the writer expre' sses her views on the subject. Entries to 'Competition No.1059' by 23 April.

No.1056: The winners

Charles Seaton reports : Competitors were asked for verses beginning 'What shall we set for a competition?' It was sticking my neck out, of course, t° pick on this as a competition subject. I have, however, survived the digs at my barrenness of ideas and lack of judgment (in picking other competitors as winners, naturally).111 addition some entrants left me in no doubt as to the sort of subject they did not want as well as providing the bonus of several useful suggestions which I hope to take up (olle artful reason for setting the competition). W.A. Payne, one of many entrants wh° only occasionally attain the transitory glorY of entering the prize list, puts a fairly wid. el) held point of view (and wins three pounds).

What shall we set for a competition? Shall we display our great erudition Choosing a theme that will surely defeat All but la creme de la creme —the Elite, Bright Mensa folk and omniscient freaks, Winners of prizes in too many weeks? Oh, let us take a more lenient view Catering for those with a normal I(). So send us some pleasing and simple rhymes To honour the hoped-for return of The Times.

In his case no names, no pack drill, but others couldn't resist the chance to get back at the Faggs and Woddises and Peterson who seem to win every week. Here is what Robert Baird has to say (four pounds):

What shall we set for a competition? Prose or verse, which should be our choice? Alice encounters Philip Marlow?

Blandings Castle rewritten by Joyce? Johnson's reflections on modern London? Tennyson's thoughts on the Oxbridge voice?

How can we baffle the wily Woddis? Tax the resources of Martin Fagg?

How can we put the stoppers on Parrott Whose powers of invention never flag? How can we harass Harrison Everard Or madden Maud, that mean old bag!?

Sometimes I dream of a competition, And I hope that I may see it soon, Where I can outshine all the other entrants As the midday sun outshines the moon: And if I'm allowed to pick the setter I think I'll settle for Stephen Boon.

Gina Berkeley, rather more generous, even spares some kind words for me (which nearly lost her her prize of four pounds): 'What shall we set for a competition?' We bring a petition to Doughty Street: What do we get from the great musician? He brushes our dust from off his feet: Seaton! Seaton! gone in the distance, Leaving us all in the darkening mist, Thrusting us back on our own existence Typical existentialist. . .

Voice of the ocean, from Roll and Evans To Protean Maud o' the Gracechurch Line! Parrott and Griffin that soar in the heavens Where Peterson, Baird and Probyn shine! Woddis and Hamill! Ye gods, of your Rele vance Kindly rekindle the stars of the night: What will you set for the camels and elephants Lumbering home by candle-light?

Two more prizewinners turned their attention to the subjects to be set: Roger Woddis (four pounds) and who's he to knock Martin Fagg?

What shall we set for a competition? llow shall we get them inspired this week? A topical ode by a politician? A Brian Rix farce as though done in Greek?

An up-to-date version of Gilbert's sentry? A pastiche of Hardy or Graham Greene? The thoughts of a Euro-MP on entry? No, most of them doubtless would be obscene.

After the hundreds of tasks we've set them, Pew are the paths that are still untrod. Wits are abundant but how to whet them? A hymn by the Devil? ,A curse by God?

Something perhaps that will tempt beginners: Sophocles talking to Melvyn Bragg. Oh, does it matter? We know the winners Pour quid, as usual, to Martin Fagg.

and Mrs. P. K. Brown (three pounds): What shall we set for a competition? Here are some notions for submission: Sonnets and odes just once forget, And try a rondeau or triolet; A Ronsard poem in English verse; Or, if you seek for something terse, Three epigrams might cut a dash, Or rhymes recalling Ogden Nash; Canvass (this calls for real acumen) How animals regard the zoo-men; Or cast up on 'that' desert isle Two beings quite opposed in style (Attila, say, and Parkinson, Diana Dors and Wellington), Reporting with imagination Their ill-assorted conversation. Incidentally, let me say once again that new suggestions for competitions are always welcome prose ones in particular '.or some reason people seem much readier With verse suggestions than prose ones). Send them to me and they will be added to our stockpile for possible future use three pounds is paid when the suggestion is used. Finally, a dreadful thought (for me as well as you) from Paul Griffin, himself a regular winner (four pounds this time): What shall we set for a competition?

A serious topic, or something insane? Strikes in the hospitals? nuclear fission?

How to cause Healey the maximum pain?

What of the style? Shall we ask them to follow Wordsworth or Keats? Ian Fleming or Brecht? Are pastiche and parody all they can swallow?

Original work should we ever expect?

What if Joyce Johnson breaks down and confesses She is T. Griffiths, and Woddis, and Fagg, One O.A.P. using several addresses? What if that cat islet out of the bag?

Oh, varied the horror and frequent the dread of us Setters who only want innocent fun.

This is 1056; what if ten weeks ahead of us A Conqueror's coming to win every one?