7 APRIL 1990, Page 52








In Competition No. 1619 you were asked for clerihews, the last word (that was a misprint, I meant 'words', but no matter) of the first line being the title of a work of art.

I must be Jingle-like, to make way for the best of you. Fantastic comp — biggest ever entry — a laugh a minute — tough cheese on the runners-up, size of a Derby field — devilish difficult choose top winner — finally, sozzled, plumped for old friend I've only seen once in 40 years — damned good chap — it's got monumental simplic- ity.

The prizewinners printed below get f4 each, and the bonus bottle of Chivas Regal 12-year-old de luxe blended whisky goes to Sydney Giffard.

The model for Rodin's Thinker Was a monumental drinker: Since he could barely stand, He sat down with his head on his hand.

(Sydney Giffard) The first half of the Bible Is predominantly tribal, The residual Devoted to the individual. (Haro Hodson) Sunflowers Made Van Gogh nothing and took hours.

'Next time,' he said, I'll be lazy And paint a daisy.' (Richard Watts) The life of the author of Erewhon Can hardly have been a merry one: Even his lady friend Called him 'Mister' to the end.

(E. S. Goodwill) The Remains of the Day Would have been in every way More effective and subtler If Ishiguro San had known anything whatsoever about the work of a butler. (Michael Myer) In Sons and Lovers Paul Morel discovers That it's possible to have a lover other Than one's mother. (Peter Norman) Poor Tess of the D'Urbervilles Swallowed some bitter pills.

She may have been immoral, But you could say she earned Hardy a laurel.

(Peter Veale) The Satanic Verses Is bad enough; but what's worse is The thought that somewhere behind a locked door Salman Rushdie is writing more.

(Peter Walker) Vivaldi's The Seasons Is now, for inscrutable reasons, One of the sine qua nons For the chaps with mobile phones. (Noel Petty) The plot of King Lear Is not so outré as might appear; It sums up, however hammily, The problems of an ordinary family.

(Mary Holtby) The world of Cider with Rosie Is traditional, touching, even cosy Thus causing discontent To educationalists in Brent. (Iain Morley) When folk sit through The Ring Upon poor upholstering, Their most stirring sensation Is the standing ovation. (Jeanne Fielder) If Olympia Had been skimpier, There would have been more room for Manet To have painted the black nanny.

(V. Cornford) The Haywain Makes it very plain That Joe Public's taste in art Is a pond, and a stranded cart. (Katie Mallett) When the artist finished the portrait of His Mother, He asked her to sit for another.

'Aw, shucks, son!' Ma Whistler said.

`Gimme another Bourbon, then I'm off to bed.'

(Ted Parrott)

My wife took A la Recherche du Temps Perdu

To the loo.

I very much doubt Whether she'll ever come out.

(Vernon Gibberd) Emaux et CamEes Je ne relis jamais; Entre nous, Je prnfere Winnie the Pooh. (Brendan Jackson) The Emperor Took ages when conducted by Otto Klemperer; Players today find it quite a battle To keep up with Simon Rattle. (Roger Woddis) Finnegans Wake Contains one deliberate mistake. It's not Easy to spot. (Ron Rubin) The stature of Schubert's Unfinished Is not in any way diminished By the fact that he failed to score Two movements more. (A. Bryson Gerrard) Kingsley Amis's Lucky Jim Was lucky for him.

That was how the Angry Young Man Began. (John Sweetman)