MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
To filo, Elect
Good brother Londiniensis :
I am heartily.oprry to have kept you so long without netvs of our academick commonwealth in Oxon, and I freely acknowledge that my long silence deserves your censures; but truly our life, this last term, has been so tranquil, not to say insipid, that I have nothing to tickle your palate withal. All Oxon, it seems, is now but an extension of Turl-street; the Council for Academick Freedom, about which I last writ to you, and which promised such great things, has died of its own inanity, and has been obliged to cancel its last meeting, no man here or elsewhere showing any interest in it; and the names of Master Atkinson of Birmingham and poor Master Arblaster of Manchester, once on all tongues, are now so compleatly sunk in oblivion that 'tis almost uncharitable to disinter 'em: the late blessed martyr Rudi Dutschke is not now more utterly forgot than they, nor the dunghill prophet of Nanterre, Master Cohn-Bendit. Only in Balliol-coll. do we still hear of some faint convulsions, of which I need say little, they being now but the habituall spasms and twitchings of that decay'd body. Suffice it that at the end of this last term our dear Prime Minister, being in Oxon, was, as a naturall courtesy, invited to dine in his old coll., of which he is a titular Fellow; which invitation was tendered to him by the Vice-master, Master de Wet, a man of stout spirit, skill'd in the mathematiques, who now rules the roast there, by rotation, till they can find a new Master vice the late Dr Hill deceas'd. Whereupon the fanatiques, incens'd by this act of provocation (as they call'd it), and complaining that 'twas done without their leave, and was therefore a gross violation of their naturall right to govern the place at will, set to work in their usuall way. That is, they fetch'd buckets of strong red paint and daub'd all the walls, within and without, and especially of the Senior Common room, where the minister was to dine, with short, gross words such as my pen refuses to frame; after which they besieged the place and shouted the like ill words, and threatened dreadful things. But Master de Wet's bold spirit was not in the least damp'd thereby (although the dean, by privy treaty, secured a back-way into Trinity coll, for retreat in case of need), wilo bravely feasted the Prime Minister, to his great satisfaction, and has since sent away the ring-leader of the fanatiques, at least till he shall have paid a heavy fine to repair all that defacement; which 'tis thought he can easily do, being, like most of that cattle, not a poor mechanick, as they would pretend, but the son of a rich man of the middle sort who, having fail'd in his duty of paternall discipline, must now justly pay the price of his negligence. But now I must come to the knub of your letter; for you invite me to subscribe my name (which you wittily pronounce to be of great power among the Elect) to a circular letter, or round-robin, which, you say, is to be sent to the Times newspaper, and there printed, declaring our support for our dear Prime Minister his plan to swallow us up in Europe, thus restoring (as you say) the old Roman Empire, and us to be sharers in its wealth and glory. For the knowledge that we academick Mercuries are all on that side will (you say) mightily move the doltish multitude and cause 'em to run, by troops, whithersoever we direct 'em. Good bi other Londiniensis, you must forgive me if I bite not this hook, how delicately baited soever. You are a philosopher, skill'd in the art politique, and your London School of Oeconomicks is such a nursery of genius that its meer name gives vast authority to all its members. But we poor college codgers in Oxon, not being professors, or heads of houses, or highpriests Of the goggle-box, aim not at such power nor claim no such authority. 'Tis true, we all have our own minds, which we have sharpened somewhat by disputation and matured in port-wine, and we may study to inform ourselves by reading the texts in any matter, and the commentaries upon 'em; and then perhaps, being so inform'd, we may encourage our pupils to use the like rationall methods themselves; for I hold it our duty to teach right reason, not our own conclusions, or at the least to lead men to those conclusions by that reason, not by the meer authority of our poor names, which perhaps are not known outside Turl-street and so, if publish'd, might rather bring us into ridicule than other men into agreement with us. Therefore, I pray you, confuse not us poor caterpillars in the groves of Academe with those high-flying butterflies into which some few of us have hatch'd, whose gay colours and aey motion make 'em so well-known to the publique that they have but to show themselves to set all men a-gaping after 'em. I refer, of course, to those great men who have already writ such publick letters declaring their conclusions, with no reasons given, as an example to all of us; as Sir Alfred Ayer, the dexterous chop-logician of Mayfair (who is sometimes also in Oxen), and Sir George Weidenfeld, the mighty publisher, and my lord Annan, your London Provost (sound drums end trumpets!), and my Lord Snow of the Two Cultures, and my Lord Clark of Civilisation himself, and many other great peers whom our late dear Prime Minister chose to raise up to that dignity; among whose number I miss only my Lord Macleod of Fuinary in the Western Highlands, that sweet saint of the Kirk, who fears that, if we once hob-nob with those sons of Belial beyond seas, we shall all be gobbled up quick by the gyant Pope, who is Antichrist, the Whore of Babylon, etc, etc. For all these have written to that same gazette telling us that, by their exquisite genius and rare freedom from the base passions which pervert other men's judgment, they have already decided the matter for us; which they have done, no doubt, far more expeditiously than we can do, through direct revelation from Heaven, or inspired contemplation of their navels, or witty chatter in agreeable social surroundings (if I may coyn a phrase); which is much less painful than the laborious use of the mind and reading of documents. And certainly, in all this, they have been mightily successful. For behold, within two days, they were followed by the second wave of the Elect who were eager to show that they too had no need of reason, their meer names sufficing as lively oracles to the rest of us; as my lord duke of Bedford, the manager of the Woburn Fun-fair, and divers other publick entertainers, viz: certain powerfull prize-fighters, cricketers, football-players and instant quiz-masters on the telly; not to mention two notable haberdashers' agents who write in the Sunday papers on new fashions in skirts and knickers, and one octogenarian travelagent, and one nippy ballet-dancer, also super-annuated (save as Mistress Tiggywinkle the laundering hedge-hogg). So that truly you have therein a whole microcosm of our national genius telling us that there is no need for us to think, for they have done all the thinking that is necessary.
'Tis some satisfaction to me that my own university is not left out of this brave muster-roll of the Elect. For amongst 'em I find two heads of coils, in Oxon, being the Wardens of New coll. and of Wadham coll., whose presence there at first (I must allow) surpris'd me. For a few months ago I observ'd that both these eminent and publick-spirited men exposed themselves in Phrygian caps as champions of the blessed martyr Rudi Dutschke, who (they said) was most iniquitously deny'd the naturall right which every man has to think and act for himself, etc. etc. 'Tis odd how these great Friends of the People, lovers of Liberty, Fraternity and the Goddess Reason, etc., can so easily slide into clean contrary postures, installing themselves, by their own voice alone, as Sir Oracle to us poor lonely, weary, wandering travellers. But to you, as .a student of the politiques, this is perhaps less surprising than it is to your loving friend Mercurius Oxoniensis
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