CORRESPONDENCE.

CLUB PRACTICE: AN AVERAGE DAY.

[To VIZ EDITOR OF THE " SPECTATOR...] SIR,—The following is founded on actual incidents in my club practice. Will it interest your readers P—I am, Sir, &c., H. M. J.

Scene: Sitting-room in a Doctor's house, about 6 p.m. Doctor's wife in an armchair sewing.

[Enter Doctor (aged 28). Wm: Here you are at last; you must be tired.

Demos (throwing himself on the couch near the fire): Ah! this is better. One's legs got so beastly tired.

WIFE (sympathetically) : I simply don't know how you manage to keep awake when you have been up nearly all night.

DOCTOR: One doesn't really—it's only pretence.

WIFE: Now you must have a nice cup of tea and then try to get a good nap before surgery.

DOCTOR : Yes, if they'll only lot me alone. (Stretches across for the unopened morning newspaper.) Anything in to-day's paper? WIFE: I haven't soon it yet.

[Enter Maid (a young girl). Main: Please, they've come for Mr. Kimble's medicine.

DOCTOR : Oh dear ! Didn't I make it up ? (Begins to get up from the couch.) [Reit Maid.

WIFE: Now you stay there ; do it. But isn'tile the man

who broke his leg this morning ?

DOCTOR : Yes, that's tho man.

WIFE: Then he doesn't want medicine, does he?

Docron : You forgot he belongs to a club. A. dub patient demands medicine in all circumstances, and one hasn't time to argue with them.

WIFE: Well, what shall I give him?

Docros (bored): Oh, anything. Wirs : Now do tell me what to give him.

DOCTOR : Really, anything ; it doesn't matter a bit.

WIFE: Well, do say something. I might give him some deadly

poison.

Docros : Don't you know a man never keeps deadly poisons in a club surgery ? Ho hasn't time to think, much less to dispense deadly poisons. And they don't want him to, either. Something safe with plenty of taste and colour is what they want. Clive him some mist. A.

Wu's : Right, mixture A.

DOCTOR: No, wait a minute, his son's taking that for reputed lumbago—" awful pain in the back, doctor ; burns like fire ' - can't bend nor nuffink "—give him some mist. B, it's a different colour.

WIFE Oh, very well. (As she goes out) : Three times a day ?

Docros : Yes, t.d.s. [Exit Wife.

Demos (soliloquising as he scans the newspaper): What a life ! But jolly interesting if one could only weed out the rotters, scare- mongers, and humbugs—I ought to talk about humbugging! (Falls asleep.)

[Enter Wife after about a minute. WIFE: I believe I woke you. You must be just dying for a cup of tea.

[Enter Maid with tea. MAID (addressing Doctor) : Please will you go quickly to see

Mr. Porter's little boy, because he's swallowed a packet of pins ? WIFE (alarmed): A packet of pins ?

DOCTOR (bored) : Who brought the message ? MAID: It's Mrs. Porter's little girl. She says Mr. Porter says you've got to go at once, 'cause he's in the club.

DOCTOR: Tell her to sit down and wait; I'll see her presently.

[Exit Maid. WIFE (excitedly) : You must just drink this cup of tea before you go.

DOCTOR: Oh, there's plenty of time. The child hasn't swallowed any pins.

WIFE: But how do you know ?

DOCTOR: Those people simply don't swallow packets of pins. I know the family only too well. Besides, if he'd even swallowed one pin the father and mother themselves would have come round to make no end of a fuss.

WIFE: Well, so would we if it were our child.

Docmort : Yes, but with them it's not so much love of the child as love for the doctor.

WIFE: What do you mean ?

DOCTOR : I'm afraid you have to be a club doctor to understand that.

WrinE : Shall I give the girl some cotton-wool to take home for the boy to swallow, and say that you are coming on ? That's the remedy for swallowing a pin, isn't it ?

DOCTOR: But this is a packet of pins? Hadn't you better give him a pincushion to swallow ?

WIFE: Well, shall I say you're coming on

Domes: Yes, and give her a bottle of mist. A. They'll be quite satisfied with that. And say I can't possibly get there just now. Tell them to let me know in an hour's time how the child is.

WIFE: All right. Now you just lie down and have a nap, and I'll tell anyone who comes that you're engaged.

DOCTOR (sleepily) : Yes, important operation—under narcosis.

(An hour later.) [Enter Maid. MAID: Mr. Porter's little girl has come to say that they've found the pins in the armchair, and her mother wants to know if she shall go on with the medicine?

Docrea : Oh, yes, tell her to finish the bottle. [Exit Maids Wrps : But what is the good if she hasn't swallowed the pins? DOCTOR: I suppose she thinks if she continues the medicine she

'night find another packet of pins.

WIFE: Oh, I mustn't forget. They would like you to call in again this evening to see Mrs. Anthony.

DOCTOR : Yes, I must see her again to-night. She's very bad, and she hasn't a thing in the house. Have you got something you could send round to her—a little jelly or junket or something of that sort ?

WIFE: Yes, I'll send something round in the morning.

DOCTOR: She's really been much better off since that drunken husband of her's ran away. I shall never forget, though, the fright he had two years ago when she nearly died. He really saved her life. But the drunken old thief was not straight even then. I remember seeing him plucking two fine fat fowls to make broth for her. He knew how to cook—he had been to sea. And when I wondered how he had got them I remembered the theft at the vicar's, and so asked no questions.

WIFE : You don't mean to say it was he who robbed the vicar's henroost ?

Docmort: Yes ; I was very sorry about it at the time, for the dear old vicar was so much more concerned for the thief than for the loss of his prize fowls.

WIFE: But surely you ought to have informed the police. It was such a wicked thing to do.

Docrou: Well, to tell you the truth, I thought it was the most honest thing the man had ever done,

WIFE : Honest?

DOCTOR: Yes, honest for him. It saved his wife's life, and up to that time he had been doing nothing but slowly killing her. Yes, it was quite a pleasure to see the almost tender way in which he nursed her. During that fortnight he really suffered—I don't believe he tasted beer once. But there's the surgery bell. (Rising and going out.) When I've finished I shall go 5H-sight off to see Mrs. Anthony, so don't wait supper.